Observations (both sensible & ridiculous)

Smothering the heart

2011-09-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

I tend to go about life thinking that people are very similar to me. When I stop to think they might be different, I'll admit that I don't allow them to be VERY different in my mind. "People are inherently good," I say. This means all people, not just some. While I realize that people may be wired differently than me, focusing on other aspects of life than I do, I still keep them quite close in my perception. Their hearts, their intentions are ultimately similar to mine.

And so I wonder: Just how different are we, anyway? What makes the differences that I so enjoy ignoring? After all, life is much more pleasant when I believe that everyone on the face of the planet desires love and good things for each other. But I know better. This is not a true statement. People live every day instigating deception, hurtful words and actions and crimes of all sorts against humanity. The more I live (aka: older I get) the more I see how these actions turn into lifestyles rather than isolated incidents. After all, anyone can make a mistake, however huge. But what about those that turn them into ongoing, never-ending cycles of behavior, wreaking havoc on those in their circle?

Thinking about this challenges the very core of my heart. The topic altogether steps on my toes as I force myself to attempt to take a raw view of humanity. What if people aren't good? What if we don't all begin with a pure heart and a life of opportunity ahead of us? What then?

Adopting internationally has played a large part in this dialogue I have with myself. While I thought I was prepared for the differences between my African child and myself, I have learned that I could never have known the extent of those differences had he not been my son, in my house and in my heart. I've learned that the differences are both obvious and so subtle they are nearly impossible to detect. We can look at another culture and pick up on obvious queues, but we can rarely know the very fine print that explains WHY they behave the way they do. And this is true for every person that ever lived. While it becomes an overwhelming task to try and understand humanity, or even a portion of it, it also helps me to relax knowing I could never truly understand someone unless I walked in their very shoes.

But.....

I'm not convinced that we are not exactly the same in one area: the deepest reaches of the heart. Love. Before anything else could ever touch it. Before self-absorbtion and competition with others ever moved in. Before bad parenting or other hurtful relationships were known to us, I think our innocence was to believe in the best of the world and the best of people. In essence, our heart IS good. Everyone's. It is the one thing that unites us all, and probably one of the first things we begin to smother from the get-go. Once we realize that others are not on our team, or that our possessions or emotions aren't safe to display. Once we feel the sting of verbal abuse, or the burn of something more physical, or the freeze of a turned back. These things teach us quickly that our heart is vulnerable, and that it's painful at times.

And so, we adapt. We slowly put ourselves in survival mode, even if that means shutting off the very source of life....... our heart. And the differences roll in like a tidal wave.

Silent Retreat - Journal Entry

2011-03-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

I've suspected it all along but am coming to know for myself that a simpler life can truly be a richer one. There is more room for depth when things aren't spread out in such a large radius. This past weekend I was invited to attend a Silent Retreat. I had always been intrigued with silence and meditation, I assume because my life is quite busy and loud. I signed up right away. I had no idea what to expect, and as it turns out it was better than I could have imagined. A couple of my thoughts as the weekend progressed:

Sitting in the Holy Family Chapel and I'm in awe. It is beautiful in here. It occurs to me that this chapel, this entire convent, is an amazing bubble, a sanctuary, from the rest of the world. It offers tremendous peace. It allows oneself the ability to easily cast aside their image, their identity in the physical realm and just silently meet God as they are. Refreshing? Insanely so.

Saturday on the retreat and I was anticipating this to be an intensely long day. No talking and no structure. They've asked that we simply stay quiet and listen for God...... all day? No, all weekend. I wasn't sure how comfortable I would be in this skin. But as it turns out, this time is incredibly lovely. I'm sure I'm not taking things as slowly as I should, but I'm trying. It's a binary contrast to my everyday life and so I won't feel too badly if rushing thoughts still pass my way.

But to listen for God..... is he talking to me? Honestly, I'm not sure. Yes? I think? I'm reminded of the rich life I desire and can find if I actively search for it. He reveals to me the dedication of women I never knew existed. It's one thing to know of women (the nuns) in a convent, spending deliberate time with God on a regular basis. It's quite another to to not only witness it for yourself but to be invited in among them. After being here, I really can't believe they didn't do some kind of background check and deem me not holy enough to enter.

But that's the very point, isn't it? We are all on the same quest -- some with more thoughtful intention than others -- but the road is the same nonetheless. It is the journey of the human race. It surpasses opinion or preference, gender or age. The passing of years does nothing to alter it. From birth to death we are all on it, forcibly. The only fragment within our control is how well we endure.

Nicholas - Three Years Later

2011-02-09T17:21:00.001-08:00

We're coming up on the 3 year mark that Nicholas became a part of our family. That is just sounding good to me. Three years.

I've learned that there is a trend with major life change, at least for me. Change always begins as exciting on some level. The first 6 months or so are either challenging or exhilarating and both fuel my fire. Observing, experimenting, adapting and so forth are high on my list of fun things to do, making change a natural part of things I enjoy. However, after the newness has worn off, there is a good 18 months or so that require a different sort of adaptation. It's probably the fact that progress moves slower during this phase, but it's my least favorite. In the case of a move, it's the time when the new town isn't 'new' any longer, but there are no close relationships established. In the case of a new baby, it's that time when the 'newborn' wears off and milestones of smiling, sitting up, playing and such seem long off. In the case of Nicholas, I'd say it has merely been the tedious process of learning social graces and implementing a desire for a grand life, somehow instilling in him the fact that he has any and every opportunity to do whatever he wishes. A larger task than I had thought.

We brought him home on Valentines Day 2007, a truly tremendous day. But I think what strikes me most is that time I spent 'in process' of bringing him here. I had no idea what I was doing and no idea what would become of either of us. It's funny because the one thing I worry most about Nicholas is perhaps the one thing we have most in common. My observation is that he lives in the moment and tends to not think or particularly care too much about the future. When it comes to school and such, it frustrates me to no end! However, when I look deep inside myself I can see that it is this same quality that kept me perfectly calm as we attempted to prepare to add to our family .... with some 7 year old stranger from Liberia, Africa. Now that it's in print I am completely convinced: in this manner we are exactly the same. Leave it to the printed word to enlighten my own self. Anyway...

Adoption is interesting. I thought that with adopting there was an ultimate goal to make it feel like it 'wasn't' an adoption. But I'm learning that's incorrect. At the dinner table just recently, I explained how every single one of my biological children were accidents. We just rolled with things and here they are. But Nicholas is the exception. The adopted one is the one we prayed for, planned for and paid for in huge ways. I've stopped trying to force a blending of our family and have just allowed it to be what it will. It ebbs and flows, it's quite fluid and always changing, but it's underscored heavily with unconditional love and I think this is the perfect sort of foundation for the type of family I desire. Everyone values deep roots in this house, more than I had thought. I've learned that our family unit is fiercely important to each person under my roof. Everyone is valued the same. It's hard to define, but I guess that's exactly what I'm trying to say. We've become an undefined family, which suits me greatly (and I much prefer). And is so much better than trying to force us all into some preconceived image.

So, three years later Nicholas is still doing just great. He's a numbers guy and so reading/writing are a struggle. But quite honestly, that's our biggest challenge right now and we're making constant improvement. I thought it would never happen, but the boy comes downstairs dressed in matching clothes now. He has friends, he has opinions, he has manners and talents. It's true, we are simply in the process of Americanizing someone; helping him to fit within our culture's box. And as someone who does not believe in boxes, it's truer in soft hues and tiny nuances than I had ever imagined. This thought alone has given me SO much to think about over the years. But, I think it's overshadowed with two other things that shape a person even more: Love and Opportunity. Huge, huge concepts.

He's extremely extroverted and this only helps him as he explores and learns. I still can't understand him sometimes. He has this giggle he gives when he thinks something is funny but isn't sure it's really a good time to laugh. But it slips out; he can't help it. And it's AWESOME. If you knew him, you'd know it slips out a LOT because the boy is just good natured, good humored. He came to us malnutritioned and under-educated but with a very complete and whole heart.

I just love my kids so much. So much. They all offer something different, something unique to my family. And truly, Nicholas fits right in here. Not only his very self, but even when he isn't around. He reminds us of things, he keeps parts of us in check as we remember his story. His smile, that laugh, his gorgeous skin, his incredible goodness as a person...... He's still a 10 year old boy, make no mistake. But I'm proud of this boy. Damn proud.

And so three years later......... all is well.

Gratitude

2010-11-25T18:37:00.001-08:00

There is a song I love completely that talks of things the writer wishes for, but what she'll be grateful for if she does not get her wish. It's a wonderful song, probably one of my favorites ever, because it reminds me to do the same. As I go about life wishing for this and that, I would much rather be stopping enough to take in what I do have. In my prayer life, my favorite part is when I thank God for the things I don't even realize I have. Every time I say it, I wonder just how long that list really is.

Today is a day set aside to stop and think of those very things. To be honest, I'm overwhelmed by the task. I've been thinking all morning and my list seems infinite, that it will never end. I'm finding that even as I look at areas of my life I wish to be different, there is still plenty to be thankful for within. It floods my heart with so many emotions it's hard to keep them all in check. But ultimately I am just so, so thankful for eyes to see these things. I can't help but want more.

I am thankful for my family, close and extended. Every single member, even those I hardly see. I know that their existence plays a role into who I am today, either directly by shaping me or indirectly by shaping someone else in my life such as one of my parents. I love, love, love you all.

I am thankful for my friends. This list is huge, because I consider most everyone I meet a friend. I'm thankful so very much for the laughter they all bring me. The opportunity to talk about different topics and learn from their expertise. I'm thankful to be allowed into their life..... honored is a more appropriate word.... and I love to look in without judgement to enjoy and learn all I can.

I am thankful for my very small inner circle of friends, the ones that know me through and through. While I admit my life is far from perfect, I don't openly convey each and every struggle to the world. These select few know the 'other' side of Michele. The uncertain, sometimes frightened, confused, mad as hell Michele at certain moments. And they walk me through, they gently give me greater perspective and remind me who I am. Thankful is hardly an appropriate word for how I feel for this support through my life.

I am thankful for so many things, more than I could ever mention here. But I'm also thankful for the things I sometimes wish were no part of my life. I'm finding that I AM thankful for moments of sadness, of confusion or heartbreak or frustration. Besides knowing that these are byproducts of a rich life, those very moments have shaped me and continue to shape me into who I am. I have a fierce commitment to Joy (but by no means have it mastered), and so I attempt to focus on that; to taking what I've learned and somehow allowing that to enable greater good within me. Down deep, at the very core of who I am. These moments are so hard sometimes, and this is so much more difficult than any words here could express. But truly, I could never attempt to walk in the shoes of others unless I've had similar experiences myself. Some days have felt unbearable, but I have faith in the healing of myself just as the sun rises each morning.

Something I never forget (and forgive me if you're taking the time to read this and have heard it before) is how I spent such a long time being angry after my son, Andrew, had died. This experience ripped me away from my very self. I specifically remember trying SO hard to imagine a normal life without such sadness and I couldn't wrap my mind around it. So many other words could fit in here, but what I remember happening with the amazing healing of time was this: Feeling more gratitude that he was in my life at all than anger that he was out of it. I remember the moment I observed it and I vowed to let it change me completely and never forget it. I feel the same way about him today. He was just precious to me.

To take the experiences we wish we didn't have to endure out of life would be cheating ourselves of amazing perspective. It's difficult to put on a smiling face when smiling is the last thing you want to do. But I think it's important to have some point within, as tiny as it may be, that trusts the process. That has faith in healing and time and change. I am so thankful for the ability to have learned it and other hard lessons. I hope to hold the hands of others as they learn it for themselves, too.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving, friends. <3

Words, words, words

2010-02-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes words come easily, sometimes there are no words.

A writer stresses when the latter happens. So I guess I'm not a writer at all. I wish I had words, but I give it time. I know they'll come eventually.

And actually, deep down I know the words are there. They are either hidden by life's busyness or simply too afraid to hit the surface. But that's okay with me, too. When I'm ready, they will come.

In the meantime, I take each day as it comes. Failing, succeeding. Apologizing, celebrating. Feeling let down, feeling on top of the world. Realizing that true joy comes directly from within me, not from what others give me. At the end of the evening, doing a good, thorough check to be sure my feet are planted in the right place in this life.

There are pros and cons to living like this, I know. I don't need a resolution, I don't even need to see my destination to know it's there. The journey is the important part, the part I enjoy most. This is true for all things.... driving, cleaning, cooking, developing a relationship. In some ways I suppose I'm short-changing my ability to have real results in my life. But... well.... I'm really quite happy with the way it is.

Words, words, words. Many thoughts, with no final conclusion. At least for now.

Terminology

2009-10-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

I just heard a song talking about how "The Lost Get Found". And it occurred to me that perhaps people don't want to be considered 'lost'. Maybe it's simply our terminology that builds such fast walls and defense systems.

I don't know calculus, but if someone called me by some seemingly derogatory name because of it, I just might be prone to think that I've made it this far without the knowledge so I'll be fine to continue on in this way.

Of course, I understand that there is more to this than I'm bringing up here, but this aspect of Christianity has me thinking.....

Going to the Source

2009-09-24T06:10:00.000-07:00

If you haven't met me but thought you wanted to, you might ask around about me. Who is that Michele chick? What's she like? Is she nice? Crazy? Worth my time?

And truly, the answers would vary depending on who you asked. Some would say I'm nice; others would say definitely crazy. Flighty. Rude. Good heart. Horrible intentions. Shallow. Deep. Worth your time. Not worth a single minute.

It's a bit hard to come to any true conclusion when you think along these lines. After all, there are conflicting reports. But aren't we so reflective of this pattern when "getting to know each other"? Think: Celebrities, neighbors, community officials, God. What are they like? Just tell me so I can use your opinion as truth and go about my life.

When I entered new schools in 7th and 9th grades, I had students come up to me after a few weeks to say I was nothing like they thought I would be. I hadn't really thought of it much before, but what in the world?? What in the heck were they originally thinking? Anyway....... rumors abounded and when they finally took a minute to be my friend they saw the truth for themselves.

I feel this is something we are missing the boat on when it comes to God. Poor God - his reputation is shaky at best simply because of the rumors of people. One person says he's pretty mean and loves crazy discipline. Another says he is all about bubbly love without logic. Or he's not around anymore so why bother. Or he only loves the chosen few - the ones 'in the club'.

My own experience is that God was 'fine' when I relied heavily on others to tell me about him. Fine. As in, a small Red Delicious apple - rather than one of those huge, incredible Honeycrisp ones. You know what I'm saying? Fine. As in, unflavored lip balm. Still doing the job, but in no way as fabulous as Dr. Pepper flavored Lip Smackers. Fine. As in, the Blackberry as opposed to the iPHONE. Boo-yeah! ;-)

God and I work best when I am completely honest. Honest to what I used to think was a fault, but now I know better. I say words like "no" and "doubtful" and "struggling" and "pissed off" when they're reflecting how I'm feeling. If prayer is supposed to simply be communication between God and me, and he truly desires this oh-so-intimate relationship with my heart, then I figure I'll do my part and be honest. The thing I am loving about this is that God doesn't mind my honesty one bit. I work through those feelings and come out the other side changed, rather than push them down and let them continue to slowly eat away at me. So if he doesn't mind that brutal honesty from me, what ELSE is true about him that I have missed?

As it turns out: everything. I asked around to see what God was like and in turn put him in this neat box that I could tuck away when I needed to, or bring out when it was appropriate. I could wrap my head around it and be happy to own it. I forgot to ask him to reveal himself to me. I relied on photographs of others. And we both know that photographs don't reveal nearly enough.

I go about the whole thing a bit differently now. I am absolute on very little, and leave the rest up to God to blow me away. This works VERY nicely in the miracles and wonders department. What am I absolute on? That God is real. It's too evident with authentic historical and present-day testimonies, as well as in my own life. I'm also absolute on the fact that He created me. He didn't have to. He took the time and the effort to create ME, to somehow reflect him. I know that part of him is in me, and in all of us. (When I truly realized that little fact, the differences between us became very much alive and I was able to sincerely celebrate them as most give me glimpses of God.) There are a couple of other things in there, but not many.

With the rest of life and history, and future, and fact, and fiction left up to God I am finding he loves to just blow me away. No longer do I rely on the opinions of others to tell me what is up. I do listen and take note. But I dig in and come to my own conclusions. And honestly, I suspect God is up there with one fist in the air saying, "Yessssss!" Like, "Thank God (pun intended) she is finally getting it". I am getting it. I'm getting to know him by going directly to the source and just asking. Just listening. It's really not that big of an effort .... so why in the heck did I wait so long to do it?

Something is Coming

2009-09-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very restless and I don't know why. It's not the kind I've had before, where I feel that I'm in the wrong place. Things are going well and I'm very comfortable here in this life. EXCEPT that I am feeling there is something big coming... or something big that needs to come, perhaps. An effort on my part, to be a bit more specific but still quite elusive.

I wonder why I'm feeling this way. I'm not sure at all, except that perhaps it's a prepping of sorts. Or shoot, maybe I've just had too much coffee. I'm not sure. But I'm excited. Something is coming.....

Tick-Tock

2009-09-15T05:22:00.001-07:00

Time.

When my son, Andrew, died unexpectedly in 1997 a lot of people told me time would heal my heart. I'll just be honest to a fault and say that it made me mad as hell to hear it. At the time I felt that they were telling me I would 'get over it' and this horrible, freaking horrible, horrible, horrible experience would just kind of fade into nothing.

I have many thoughts about that particular experience, but what stands out to me today is that element of time and how it does change things. I have learned that just when I'm feeling overwhelmed, or crazy upset or when life throws me a curve ball or completely shakes the rug from under my feet, I can count on time to change things soon enough. Besides God, which is a whole other wonderful entry here, time gives me perspective and the ability to think; to breathe. Similar to eating a huge Thanksgiving meal with all the trimmings, which afterward requires some major digestion time before feeling 'normal' again. Time gives me the ability to digest my circumstances.

In the case of Andrew I did not wish for time. I didn't want to digest. I wanted to go back in time, actually. But the truth was, there was no going back. And the people were right. Time did heal my heart. It didn't make me forget, it helped me accept and ultimately understand.

I'm impatient about a LOT of things, that's for sure. But finally, I am wise enough to know (even through my impatience) that time will help, will change, will shift and bend my perspective on many life issues. Sometimes it seems time is the enemy..... but truly, I think it's probably one of my best friends.

Permission for Authenticity

2009-09-14T10:33:00.001-07:00

Huge day of growth for Michele. I'm so thankful for it.

Authenticity is a great thing. One of my favorites, to be honest. It's easy for me to be authentic in an environment where I am comfortable. One that I am used to. But I'd have to admit that I'm not completely 'authentic' when it comes to new situations. It's not that I'm trying to fake my way through it, it's more that I'm just not sure - feeling my way around - I'll decide soon enough what 'authentic Michele' looks like here.

Today I was given the opportunity to sing at my church, something I don't take lightly whatsoever. It was a new experience for me and I was both excited and curious, finding my way through the routine of it all.

The final practice before the first service was shaky at best. Things weren't coming together in a way that would exude confidence. And when we began with that first service, I made sure my vocal part was correct more than anything else.

Afterward, I had some great feedback that is changing me today. It basically boiled down to being permission for authenticity on my part. Relax, stop worrying about the mistakes I "could" make, and just be Michele. Thank goodness I know who that is!

I took that advice for the second set of music and I have to say that it was SO much better; it impacted me in a huge, Ji-normous (if I may quote Elf) way. It makes me think of people in everyday life situations - many of which are new and unchartered territories for us. It seems that many of us go through with much caution and perhaps fear that they will step off the path, or make a mistake or become sidetracked. But my message today, the one that has pierced my heart deeply, is to be authentic to the core. The mistakes that might be made are completely overshadowed by the brilliance of honesty; the legitimate, true and genuine you. Being made in the image of love and grace, there is just no reason not to. I am reminded of this, and there will be no holding back from here on out.

Nicholas - 9 years old

2009-08-28T04:54:00.000-07:00

Today is Nicholas' 9th birthday. A part of me is thinking, "Why isn't the birthdays of the other children more profound, causing me to think enough to write a bit on it?" But the fact is, it's different with Nicholas and that's that.

I remember when he was turning 7 and he was still living in Liberia. We knew who he was, that he was coming to America at some point, but we had never met. Finally he arrived and we celebrated when he turned 8. He loved it completely. This year, I see a touch more wisdom in perspective. He's feeling more than just elation at having a day and a party just for him. This year, he misses Rosetta and his siblings.

When he hurts for them, I hurt, too. I wish I could just take him to see them at any point in time. But the reality is that it's just not a good idea on many levels. I go from one point of view to another on it. I will feel community quite well and think that it would be terrific if we could just be family, even right now, with his relatives in Liberia. But then I will remember that I need to do what is emotionally healthy for Nicholas, even if it isn't always pleasant. His stories have taught me that there are more differences from one culture to another than I had imagined. I'll leave that at that.

I am so curious of his future. He is a gem on the face of this planet and I wonder how God will wish to use him. He's seen more in 9 short years than many of us will see in a lifetime, and he rolls with it all like it's no big deal. I wonder if he feels truly secure living here with me. Hmmm..... I hadn't had that thought before. He knows he's loved, but does he know for sure that we are his family forever no matter what? That we will never send him away?

He no longer wants to go back to Liberia. He's been here long enough to now wish his family could come here, rather than him going back there. But I'm sure there will never be a day when he doesn't miss them in some capacity. My plan: well, I was never good with plans. But I do intend to visit Monrovia, Liberia on my own in the next couple of years to meet Rosetta and Pastor Joe and whoever else I might. I won't be bringing Nicholas at that time because surely I don't want to not be able to take him back home with me. But I do want to keep those connections open so that at some point he may go. I also plan on continued prayer and trust that God will nudge me in the right direction with all of this. I have complete faith that he will.

So, 9 years old. From complete poverty (among other things) to a pretty decent life. Loved on all levels. I still can't believe I get to be a part of this.......

HOPE

2009-06-29T04:50:00.001-07:00

I just love life. The only thing I can count on is change. Well, that's not entirely true, but it's important to remember how life is so continually evolving. And I have to remember that the world 'evolve' means to develop. Not to go backward, but to move forward into deeper waters. More complex, yes, but with more layers of refinement and strength to rely on.

I love it when change happens at a point where I have nearly given up hope. I should have learned by now to never give up hope. Never ever. Not only do things and circumstances change, but people and their hearts and minds are continually changing. I may allow myself to become frustrated in the future, but I will never, ever give up hope on a person or a situation. And this makes me happy. I hope I can look, in the midst of a future 'hopeless' situation, with crazy unexplained optimism at the change that will eventually take place. Fun. :-)

I am breathing after a week's vacation and the opportunity to take 10 steps back to view my life at a higher altitude. And I am nothing less than thankful to the point of misting a bit. The things that have driven me crazy and spun me so fast are overshadowed almost completely by the brilliance of blessings. Love, family, health, laughter, the ability to indulge in things I enjoy. How dare I ever overlook these things for a single day, focusing on minor tragedies.

And while I am not perfect and the people around me are not, either, I am seeing the goodness in each and every one of them in a very big way today. I hope this does not fade. I am determined to not let it and have action steps in place. Besides, every one of us is flawed. It's not in the original design to rely upon people for fulfillment. I am so grateful for the ability to see past what is directly in front of me..... past the facade or the bad mood or the 'moment' and into the soul. I do become weary when the mood or the moment is lingering too long, but I can persevere and the mood/moment can pass, and this I am POSITIVE of.

I do just love life. I love the natural..... the smell of 'green', the bloom of a flower, the billow of a tree in the breeze. I love the material..... the smell and feel of a leatherbound 'classic', the sturdiness of hand-crafted wood furniture, the colors and design in a rack of coffee mugs begging me to take them home. I love the physical in people..... the colors, the skin, the variety, the expression and the hand gestures, the way each body moves differently. I love the spiritual..... the part of people you sense but cannot see, the strange phenomenon here and there that keeps us wondering, and the true belief that there is so much more going on right this very second than I can see with my eyes.

So, I guess it's a perspective thing. It always is. Only today, it begins and ends with HOPE.

Making the Effort

2009-06-10T11:24:00.001-07:00

My process for writing is sketchy at best. It usually goes along these lines: I will have just the tiniest beginning of an idea. Knowing that I could never process it all out in my head, I run to my computer to start throwing it out there. I'm never sure how it will end up. Sometimes I surprise myself, others I end up deciding my idea wasn't very good to begin with. We'll see how this one goes.

I am reading about God and I am loving it. I am making an effort to learn about Him in more ways than are typical. I want to read the traditional opinions as well as the new and radical and come to my own conclusion. It's this digging in that is helping me to see Him so differently than before. He's huge and glorious and wonderful and everything I could ever wish for him to be. He's even more than GOD, if that makes sense, in the way I've been led to believe about God. I feel it is a discredit to refer to him as God because people make immediate assumptions.

I realize that in order to know him I have to invest time and energy. That's just the way it is. And to be honest, what's the problem with that? If I want a relationship with anyone I have to invest. This seems obvious.

So I sat and thought about how people are not taking the time to really know God as he ought to be known. To know him in the way that is life changing, eye opening, perspective shifting. And why? Relate this to modern day relationships, where feelings fuel the fire and it's all too easy to walk away. I invest to a point and then I'm done, because it might take a minute of discomfort.

Where is the big picture with all of us? When I walk uphill I am promised of a fabulous view, the satisfaction of being there and then an easy stride back down the other side. Why in the world are we so apt to give up when things become the least bit difficult? Where is the spirit inside that perseveres and finds fulfillment?

I was thinking about the American diet "challenge". The obesity and disease and such that is so incredibly prevalent today. Even with the information that the chemicals in pre-packaged foods and sodas are dangerous to our health, we continue to ingest them in crazy amounts. If I were to read the nutrition labels on my food and then dive in to learn about what some of those words actually were, I would be shocked, I know. I would change my thought process and my food choices because I would have invested the time to learn. Imagine if everyone did this.

I see a correlation in this behavior to faith in God. It's laziness, if I may be blunt. I'll add busyness to that. And let me just add in fear, if you don't mind. I'm too busy to invest because after I'm done with life's obligations I'm tired as hell and feeling too lazy to put forth the effort. And honestly, I'm a bit afraid. After all, if you're going to shake the rug out from under my feet regarding my entire diet as I know it, I don't know what I'll do next. Eat apples and carrots for the rest of my life?

The problem with this is that the rug we're standing on is tiny if we don't have the courage and energy to know God for who he really is. It seems fine to just ignore the problem. After all, we ARE standing. But there is more..... more..... more..... More than you or I have ever known and it's all good. It's ALL good. It's not rules and regulations. It's truth and life and freedom. It's a bend and a shift in a thought-process handed down. That rug has served its time, and its time to go.

Similar to the American diet. Similar to the American relationship. Similar to the Human faith in a God larger than we can fathom, larger than the Bible can contain, larger than the opinion of someone next door...... Education and Effort are worth it. I wish so badly that everyone could know.

Spring Cleaning

2009-05-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'm so busy right now that I don't have time to write this, but somehow I really feel the need to.

I have mice in my house. In various places. The bug man came out today and we talked about my problem and, well, it's just a huge bummer. Apparently I need to clean out my storage area and re-box everything into plastic. Then the closets. Then the garage. It all needs to be gone through if I truly want to keep mice away. In the meantime, we set traps.

So I'm way too busy for this.

What's interesting to me is the correlation to life that I see here. I fill my days with so much stuff (much of the time they are filled for me) that under my very nose some bad things are taking place. Pests are coming in undetected. I don't notice but they are damaging my very structure. Perhaps it's negativity; a bad attitude or a loosened grip on my relationship with God. But it's most definitely happening. It's just a matter of time before it makes itself known.

So now that my problem has been diagnosed I have a choice. I can put a band-aid on it (setting the traps) and continue to do so. Or I can start to dig within..... emptying out that storage area that I am DREADING. Throwing away the junk, taking the precious and re-packaging it in a more protective case. When I think of my own heart I realize the very same thing needs to be done. To dig in, unpleasant as it may be, throw away the mess I don't need and hold dear the sacred.

So, this is what happens to me when life gets too busy. I could be hard on myself and feel guilty for letting this problem come upon me. Or, I can remember that life is a constant balancing act and actually, I'm grateful for the opportunity to clean out the junk... both of my storage and my own heart.

Andrew

2009-05-14T19:00:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is May 15. This is Andrew's birthday. I choose to focus on the birthday and not the death day. To be honest, I'm still not certain if he died on June 26 or 27th. Every year I don't remember and for some reason, when I look to find out the exact date my brain will not let it stick.

He would have been 12 tomorrow. That makes me sad to see it in print. I've been thinking about it all week, but wow.... 12 years old.

I just want to remember him and so I think I will. He was 8 pounds exactly. Pretty cute from the get-go. We had Ashley and Andrew and thought we'd just leave it at that with kiddos. Ash was only 19 months old and so while my hands were full, it was okay. She was so easy and he was so new.

I remember that I was very, very proud of him. I remember having a double stroller for the first time. I remember his circumcision and how horrible I felt for him. I remember that he was pretty beefy right away and so we called him, "Little Man". He seemed to be rather strong, in a newborn baby way. I remember that while pregnant he dropped me to my knees, literally, more than once from kicking so hard. Not pleasant, but still cool somehow.

I remember standing at the cemetery and wondering, with a very sincere heart, just HOW was I to live the rest of my life with a dead child? I saw other gravestones with children marked and I would sit and wish I could talk to their parents. I truly felt that the rug of my life had been pulled from my feet, that I had fallen and that I would never, ever be able to get up.

And here I am typing about him 12 years later. I'm so thankful for his life. I'm thankful for the 9 months before he was born and for the 6 weeks of sleepless nights from May 15 on. I'm thankful for the memory of doing dishes by candlelight as quietly as possible because he was sleeping nearby. I'm thankful that God saw me through that time, even though I was certain nothing could do it. I'm thankful that I was able to know Andrew more than anyone else. I wish, more than I could express here, that I knew him today. Thinking of him now is bittersweet to the extreme. My heart just breaks over this whole thing and somehow I am still grateful that it shaped me, even when I was not looking to be reshaped.

Well, I could go on and on. But I think I'll stop. I'll stop at the birthday of Andrew David McGovern, May 15, 1997. I most certainly will never forget.

Beauty

2009-05-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

There is an ancient Balinese belief called Kanda Empat. I have many thoughts about it, but all in all I like its intentions. It says that we are born with '4 brothers' that are always with us, from the womb until death. They are: Strength, Beauty, Friendship, Poetry. A lot can be said about it, but I had a thought on the 'beauty' aspect and wrote a bit, which follows.

Secretly I have wondered what we would all look like if we were given a designer, a stylist and a photographer for a day. Do whatever you do to the stars and let's have a cool photo shoot. Those would be the profile pics on MySpace and Facebook, Twitter and such. I bet it would be incredibly different. We would be made up, decked out, blemish erased and perfectly airbrushed. You know, they can even airbrush some muscle tone here and there.

I am a social networking website professional. Now seriously, that looks good in print. Perhaps I'll capitalize it someday like it's a real title I've earned. But the truth is that I simply love to maintain my page, to share certain things about my life and, very much mostly, to peek at the profile of others, people I know and those I don't. If I really get sucked in and spend some time surfing I will have seen quite a few profiles which always gets me thinking about humanity in general. I take the pathetically sexy self-portraits, the in-your-face-yes-i'm-all-that quotes and the bizarre backgrounds and let it sink in. Who are these people really? Why does their profile look like it took so much effort to tell me, no, I'm sorry, to shout in my face that they are bad-ass and still full of worth? I'm always left contemplating.

For me it really does boil down to what we perceive as beauty. Beauty is, after all, a pleasurable thing particularly for the eyes. It is a measure of how good-looking we are. How attractive we are. Our allure. (love that word)

I suspected there was more to this and I found what I was looking for even in its very definition: "A combination of qualities that pleases the intellect or moral sense". Ah, now we are getting somewhere! Beauty is not only skin deep? I should phrase that and coin it. :) Our beauty is our advantage and in no way is it limited to the surface of our skin. So why are we so determined to reduce it to that? Beauty in itself is a gift for all of our senses and beyond. Sight, taste, smell, sound and touch as well as how we analyze a piece of information or an opinion can all be beautiful experiences.

A poem is a beautiful thing almost regardless of its content. It has a rhythm, a cadence. It has a theme. You can be certain it was written on purpose. A poem is "something that arouses strong emotions because of its beauty". Let me take a moment there to reflect... A poem is in and of itself beauty. So beautiful, in fact, that it arouses strong emotions.

What Kanda Empat is telling me, then, is that this "brother" of poetry that has been with me from the beginning is actually beauty. It's the beauty I hold within. The beauty I can let shine through for others to see in my life, or the beauty I can draw from during those times when life doesn't seem so attractive after all. It's there, it always has been and it always will be. This beauty that is pure enough to conjure up those strong emotions. Add God and who He truly is to the mix here and you'll find that it's even more powerful than you first imagined.

I love this. I love it because it is explaining that regardless of how I am feeling at any given moment I continue to have the same beauty pool to pull from. How I choose to use it in my life is another story. Will I stand on the deck and simply look at it with fear and wonder? Perhaps I'll just dip a toe in to see how it feels. Or will I run off that diving board with reckless abandon and lose myself entirely in my pool of beauty? The point that I see from this is that it's all a choice within me.

Remember that there are different types of poetry. Haiku, Sonnet and Limerick not to mention the Ballad, the Musette and the Triolette. There are well over 100 different types of poetry listed and that only includes the poems that can be catagorized at all. I wonder, did the Hindu people realize this profound truth when creating Kanda Empat and its element of poetry? The very fact that there are so many branches of poetry teach me that there are just as many, if not more, branches of beauty. That there is not one mold which we are to aspire to but each of us fits uniquely in our own. I say Name It! Name your poetry, name your beauty. In this culture we are taught to believe that beauty has one strict definition but it just isn't so. Step outside of the box of your life, then peer inside and find the beauty within. Do you see compassion inside? Perhaps gentleness. Or maybe fun-loving and go-getter are hiding in the corner just waiting to come back out. Risk-taker and loyal friend, patience and lover, mentor and confidant... these are just a few in an endless bank of beautiful. Find yours, claim it and never let it go.

Nicholas - 1 Year and Beyond (3-5-09)

2009-05-10T10:36:00.001-07:00

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Nicholas - 1 year and beyond

It's been one year since Nicholas has arrived and I can't really believe I'm saying that. I am so glad I wrote here and there.... it's been fun to go back and read when I was still anticipating his coming and then when I knew the date and then again when we actually went and picked him up.

He is still wonderful and very full of life and curious and brave and funny. He is still gorgeous and all that I've said about him before still applies. Only now he hardly ever talks of Liberia or his mom. Now, things here are not new for him and he has adjusted. I guess it's great that he's adjusted but somehow it brings tears to my eyes.

I guess I feel similarities to Nicholas in that I don't always have control of my surroundings. And sometimes it's okay and others it's terrifying. Thinking this through as I type, I have just realized the true benefit of that sinking feeling of not being in control. I can relate to my kid. The other kids have everyday, American, 'normal' lives. But while Nicholas looks great on the outside there is much going on inside - and now I can see similarities between us. Ok, this is a good thing.

I have some badass kids. They are all cuddly and sassy, warm and tough, loving and fast, tender and sarcastic...... they keep me on my toes but they also keep me alive. I am overwhelmed at times but am thankful that I never have to go searching for LIFE. I am surrounded by it at all times.

This experience of bringing Nicholas into our family will have a ripple effect that I could never predict. I'm curious to know what it will become but doubt I'll ever truly realize. Of course I hope it's a wonderful thing, but who knows. In the end I just followed my heart and asked God to lead the way by closing the opportunity if it wasn't supposed to happen. I trust that method and so here we are. It has changed me forever in more ways than I could express. It has touched me on the surface and at the core of who I am. It has been easy and it has required some strategic thinking. It has helped me explore my own heart and capacity to love a stranger as my own flesh and blood. It has inspired me like nothing else has ever before. It has left me on my knees in gratitude that I would have another son - one that is so incredible and one that is a constant reminder that we are all part of the same humanity and all have the same capacity for greatness.

I don't know how else to say it. Thank God I was not afraid of this. And Thank God for this life, even with its challenges. But mostly, Thank God for helping me see things as a story, where each detail blends into the larger picture. It's some of those details that can really get us down, but I refuse to go. And it seems Nicholas has this same perspective.

Frustrations (1-24-09)

2009-05-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

Saturday, January 24, 2009

frustrations

There have been events in my life, particularly recently, which are just aggravating. Why? Because once upon a time I had a decision to make.... I looked down the road into the future and foresaw the best I could. I made decisions based on that and on I went. Happily, I might add.

But it's funny how life just doesn't allow us the luxury of foreseeing with certainty. In fact, it would wait just until there was really NO turning back to shake the rug out from under me and pretty much laugh in my face about it.

Well, at least that's how it feels sometimes.

I know I'm not alone in this, and I think that it's in times like these that people tend to search for some understanding of the world... to believe in some sort of destiny or a plan. And why not? How could life be so random and how could I truly have so LITTLE control?

Of course, I believe in God, the I AM or Yahweh or however you would prefer to refer to him. I believe with no doubt that he exists and I trust with no fear that he is in the details. But I don't believe I wander around while he directs my paths. I know he opens and closes opportunities, but also gives me a VERY free will to make every single one of my choices on my own.

So I do have control and I do not. I guess the frustration is when I get thrown for a loop. The best thing to do is to roll with it, of course. Life doesn't end the day my plans don't work out. It goes on and things continue to change. I know that God even takes my poor choices or tragic circumstances and shapes them into something 'good' (aka beneficial in some way). It's this trust that gives me hope, thank goodness I've experienced this in my life before and can look back on it for reaffirmation.

Still, I am human and today I am frustrated.

Nicholas - Through the Holidays (1-2-09)

2009-05-10T10:34:00.002-07:00

Friday, January 02, 2009

Nicholas - through the holidays

Well, we've done it. We've been through the first crazy holiday season with Nicholas in our family. This was my first with so many kids; his first in America.

I struggled to stay ahead of the game in terms of getting things done early enough to not stress, but everyone else breezed through Thanksgiving and onto December. I was on my toes knowing this holiday would be different because of the new dynamics of my family, but to be honest..... it was nothing but wonderful.

Nicholas is the most adaptable person I have ever met in my entire life. I could take him to Antarctica, move into an igloo and tell him this would be our new home and he would shrug his shoulders and say "ok". I could tell him we are going to adopt 50 more children from around the world to be his brothers and sisters and he would probably smile at me and say "ok". It's all ok with him. Thanksgiving is ok. Santa is ok. Jesus is more than ok. The end of a year and the beginning of a new one is ok. And on we go.

He opened his gifts with grace and was very appreciative. The highlight of Christmas day was when, at my in-law's house, he opened a certain Transformer toy that he had wanted. He ripped through the paper, then looked at the package and stopped. He looked up and yelled, "Who did this? Who DID this??" and Cindy said, "That is from me and Papa". And he raced into her arms and said, "Oh thank you! This is the Transformer toy I really wanted!"

He made some Christmas gifts at school and gave them on Christmas. They were only to Jdrew and Jason. Proof of my thought that the men/boys in his life are extremely valuable to him. He still talks with sadness about the father in Africa he never knew. He thinks I'm just fine, finally likes my cooking and appreciates my help, but this boy has desired some male influence and I'm so glad he has it.

I think he and Natalie might be close forever. We'll see how it goes as she grows. But they both drive each other nuts and run to snuggle together during a movie. It's truly love/hate. She will scream at the top of her lungs if he has something she wants, and turn around to hold his hand as she walks him around the house saying "Ah-no, Ah-no" (her nickname for him).

We're a month away from his 1 year mark with us. Wow. It has had many of the same elements as bringing home a new baby in that every couple of months has felt a little different than the ones before. It takes time to bond and I'm so grateful to know that from the perspective of a biological parent, because I might have stressed myself out otherwise. My days race by and are very much filled with all sorts of tasks, responsibilities, chaos and fun.... but I love what happens when I stop to reflect. I LOVE the things I have in my "reflection bank" (if you will). I love what has taken place in my life, I love what I dream of for the future, I love the things that swarm around me which I do not control and I love the endless possibilities of things I do indeed control.

Life is not easy and it doesn't matter who you are. But I have learned that my response to everything that comes my way is truly a choice -- something I control completely. And I think watching Nicholas do this very thing has reinforced it to the max for me. May I keep learning from him, may we all.... And may he never doubt the important and huge space he holds in my heart.

Forgiveness (12-30-08)

2009-05-10T10:34:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

forgiveness

I've heard the word 'forgiveness' put many ways over the years, but this past weekend I heard it put a new way and I loved it.

"Forgiveness is the ability to have no need to change the past."

This speaks to me. To be able to say, "it's not my favorite, but it's ok that it happened. i can live with this" is huge in my opinion.

But then it went a bit further; something like this..... reconciliation is horizontal, forgiveness is vertical.

Reconciliation (to restore friendly relations with, to coexist in harmony) is between people. Someone hurts me and I need to reconcile with them. It's not always easy, that's for sure.

But forgiveness (to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone) is vertical. This is between me and God. It's truly a heart change and this is done most effectively with God in the picture. It's letting go of that anger, that resentment. I'm not sure how you can do it without God, actually. Maybe it can be done but I wonder if it's much harder. Anytime I've needed a heart change it has required some crazy prayer that begged for a changed heart even though I was pissed and didn't want to change my heart. He works with even stuff like that. :)

I've been fortunate to have the ability to truly forgive pretty easily. Of course I get angry (pretty regularly) but I get over it quickly and move on. This has pros and many cons. But there have been a few larger issues in my life, some of which still rear their ugly head at times, that have required some God-level-forgiveness. But now that I have that original statement to think about: - Forgiveness is the ability to have no need to change the past - I think I'll process things differently from here on out. Very cool.

Masks (12-15-08)

2009-05-10T10:33:00.002-07:00

Monday, December 15, 2008

Masks

Today I listened to yet another talk based on the subject of masks. The faces we put on in public, particularly around the holidays, to convey a certain perception. It was much of the familiar message about how we are all hiding our true selves beneath the mask, and isn't this unfortunate, and authenticity is so great and so on and so forth.

I do agree with the jist of the message. I am all for the true self, in a huge way. I want to know people for who they really are and quite frankly, don't have time for the fakes.

But as I was sitting there today I had a new thought. One that said that masks are simply a part of life, a part of functioning in this human race. After all, why in the world would I want to air my hurts, my frustrations and inner struggles with the world every moment of every day? Sometimes I think it does a body good to get the mind off of the negative for a bit, even if it's somewhat forced.

I was reminded of my early marriage years. Jason and I would drive to a function and find ourselves in some sort of crazy argument along the way. We would continue on as we parked, as we walked up to the door and finally stop to put a smiling mask on as soon as we were greeted. The evening would roll along and we would be forced to be re-directed in our thoughts. And more often than not we would leave the function and leave the argument well behind. I have to say that it was a good experience of putting on a show.

I understand the point. Some people go to the extreme to pretend they're something they're not. And in this case, it is very unfortunate. But all in all it seems that the issue is not so black and white. After all, if everyone were to reveal how broken they were then where would the encouragers be? The ones that others rely on to lift them up? I'll bet that some of our good examples of people who overcame great odds would not be so great anymore. I don't know, I guess I'm just saying that it would really distort things and not necessarily in a healthy way for humankind.

I think it's a balancing act. Not going to the extreme in either direction. Revealing who you are in the way that others should know you is something to be determined almost daily. Sometimes I put my game face on for ME, not for others. It helps ME get through the day and somehow I don't see anything wrong with that. I might feel horribly but put a "life is great" attitude on because I know my feelings can't be trusted and that it's the attitude I SHOULD have. And eventually it sinks in to be true, which seems to me to be a very good thing.

Of course, true posers are just a waste of time..... ;)

The Philanthropist (12-3-08)

2009-05-10T10:33:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

the philanthropist

I've always admired a philanthropist. Someone so concerned with the welfare of others, particularly complete strangers, just brings about a feeling of unity. We're all human and we should step up and out to meet the needs of one another in various ways..... I think this is how it was originally designed to be.

I think about people that freely give their money. Maybe they even give out of their need, rather than just their abundance. This is admirable. Buying supplies and funding programs that better mankind. Then, of course, making the annual visit to see the results. A third world country, perhaps. Or a disaster stricken area of the U.S. It seems we do pretty well at giving when the ones we are giving to are strangers in dire need.

But what about the giving we could and should do on a daily basis, as relationships abound around us? Is it best to walk around behind an invisible wall in order to maintain a safe distance from those around us? Or do we give, give, give.... giving a smile, then some loyalty, some love, some grace and eventually forgiveness. This type of giving is constant and never-ending. We don't just 'visit' our daily relationships. We live among them.

No doubt that this sort of thing is ever-changing. We need to be filled in order to give. We need to be rested in order to have the energy to meet others at their need. Sometimes we might have complete energy to dole out whatever is necessary and other times we might feel exhausted. This isn't the case if we were simply writing checks. Those can be written at our leisure and we can tend to the results when we have the time.

I do admire the philanthropist. I would love to be one myself. But as I go about in this life it sure seems like it's the intimate giving that is the hardest, and the most rewarding. Some days I just want to build some solid walls to protect myself, much in the same way that this economy might bring the philanthropist to cut back on his giving because of an unknown future. But when I stop to think about it and remember who I am and what I want out of this life, I realize the wall is not a part of it. Although I suppose it's ok to stop writing the checks or to stand safely behind the wall just long enough to breathe. But coming back to what we were made to do is too important to ignore for long.

So obviously I'm thinking this through as I write it. Hence the point of my writing at all. To try and make sense of these thoughts bouncing around in my mind.

Going Back (11-30-08)

2009-05-10T10:32:00.002-07:00

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Going back.

I wonder, if I had the chance to go back in time and make my life decisions over again what would I do? On one hand it would be so wonderful to to right the wrongs, to make the changes of decisions we might have regretted somewhere along the road. All of our "what if's" would be rectified.

But I don't know.... it doesn't come easily to say that I would like to do it again. And while I certainly have things I would like to change or erase from my history I realize they are the very things that have shaped me this far. Vital people and experiences and seasons and storms that help to define my very being. It seems pretty important and I do like how they have forced me to look inward and see my makeup.

I have watched people struggle hard with guilt or regret and it makes me so sad. I wonder if sometimes, particularly during a time of struggle, we forget that everyone has been in the same shoes at some point. We have all wished for other things, for a different past in some capacity. We have looked longingly at the greener grass. It's human nature and it's difficult to be faced with so many life decisions to make without a glimpse into the future.

I want to look everyone in the eye who either feels the guilt of a poor decision, or has suppressed it and tries everyday to ignore it, and I want to tell them how they are not alone. Be it money or love or job or family it seems healthy to know that while the consequences may not be desirable, the process which led us there is not something to drag us down forever.

I'm certain that each person was made as a replica of something very glorious. So we can put on any mask we choose, or we can let life mask us somehow, but facts are facts and we are still very genuinely underneath. If only I could find a way to tell (and convince) everyone.

Nicholas - 9 Month Mark (11-10-08)

2009-05-10T10:32:00.001-07:00

Monday, November 10, 2008

Nicholas - 9 month mark

Nine months into this new life for all of us and we're doing a-ok. When Nicholas came things were exciting and new and I was secretly braced for some hard times. I was prepared for his period of grief after leaving a home and a family and a country and a culture. I was prepared for the anger that would come along with it as I remember it so well when I've had my own grief. I was at least aware that I was unprepared for strange behavior that I could have never predicted. And now, nine months later, it seems none of these things have come to pass.

Nicholas continues to amaze me with his adaptability and I wonder if his grief isn't still yet to come. He does not talk about Liberia quite so much, but when he does it's a pleasure to hear about. I regret not going over to get him. I knew I would. I don't like that he has stories of a life that I truly have no idea about. But I suspect most, if not all of us will be taking a trip in that direction at some point in the future.

He just loves school where we have been blessed beyond belief with his teacher. She is the ultimate in patience and inspires me to do the same. He loves her and responds so well to her. He loves numbers. He tries hard in school. He still has a ton of energy but is learning and responding to realizing the appropriate times to display it. He is learning what being a good listener is. He had no idea of ANY social graces at all when he came. Many times our children learn most of these simply by example as they grow up in our homes. This has been interesting and he is willing to learn them and abide by them, but it's still a process.

Nicholas is very smart and he relies on intuition much more than anything else. He is a feeler and responds to the 'vibe' of any situation. He is so gorgeous that I can't believe it, quite honestly. He has no fashion sense at all and this makes me laugh. He figures he is doing good with a shirt and a pair of "trousers" (as he calls them), regardless of what they look like. He loves to know he's looking good so we're working on all of this. :)

This year is bittersweet for me. I have loved bringing him home. It has been the fulfillment of a dream that I've had for many years, and I need to remember this. While I love that we are rolling along just fine and the newness of it all is long gone, I will miss these American Firsts. The first Halloween, the first Birthday, the first Christmas...... these are important things not only for Nicholas but for us. Because of him and his life so far, my family has been able to see these things through the lens of his eyes.

So all in all I would just have to report that he is as wonderful as he can be and fits in so well with us. How I happened to be placed here in this family is beyond me and I don't take my role lightly whatsoever. It is five children so yes, of course they drive me to the ends of my limits and then a bit further..... but I just love it. I have instant playmates, instant conversationalists, instant warm bodies to snuggle with under a blanket with a book. I have instant opinions and instant life around me. I appreciate a quiet moment more than I could ever express here. :) I appreciate a room that stays clean for more than an hour. When I do things just for me I relish every second. But, I am better because of the blessings and testing of my family and I am well aware of this.

Part of the List (10-30-08)

2009-05-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

Thursday, October 30, 2008

part of the list

My flaws: important to remember but I am not defined by them.

I am a horrible planner. It takes very deliberate effort to plan and even then it does not come easily. I might have a few people fooled on this which makes me very happy.

I miss obvious details and other insignificant ones scream out at me.

Due dates and timeframes don't mean the same to me as they do to others.

I talk too much.

I can see many sides of a situation so clearly that it's hard to come to a concrete conclusion.

I like jeans and t-shirts too much.

I can only use Crest with Scope toothpaste, otherwise it's a very bad day.

I can only order mochas from Starbucks and the like.

I feel much taller than I actually am.... a long-standing joke. I am taller than a slew of people that keep trying to tell me I am not.

I type too hard.

I feel the pain of others too intensely.

Well shoot, now that I think of it, this list can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on.... it just depends on who you talk to. And Ha ha ha ha ha.... it's funny. Part of the past few years of my life have included embracing my flaws, realizing they are a part of me and how I am wired. I do want to continuously improve in life, of course, but I am who I am and I've come to really feel comfortable there.

True Bravery (10-21-08)

2009-05-10T10:30:00.002-07:00

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

true bravery

I love adventure. I love a mystery and some unexpected obstacles. I love a bit more danger than is healthy. And so as a person put in a 'nurturing, motherly role' in this life I struggle to balance the two. I want to provide just the right elements to my kids, all the while teaching them that it's okay to be wired in different ways.

So I say I want to live this radical life in various ways and I'm serious. I think of the 'adventurous' things I want to do and make a list, pondering my options with your typical things. Xtreme sports, traveling to dangerous places and so forth. The people that venture into these territories are brave and I love that.

But does that coincide with my huge desire to love radically? My desire to live my life as directed by a fearless and, if you will, wild God? Not really. Does it need to? I'm not sure.

Today, however, I was reminded of how YES, it can all relate together. I have absolutely excellent friends who have a life similar to mine. Got the kids, the husband and the little life..... we could live each day like the one before and die fairly peacefully. But a friend of mine who just graduated her kids and sent them off to college (bragging about her leisurely time and making me sick) happened to hear of a high school senior who is living in a downtown shelter, riding a bus almost 2 hours to get to school each way. It turns out that this gal's family had disowned her after some abuse had been brought to the surface. So yes, anyone could have compassion on the situation and really, truly hope for the best for this young girl. "Bless her heart, I hope she graduates" and statements of that nature.

What does my friend do? She calls me to say, "I want her." She wants to drive her to school, to take her in, to provide her with senior pictures, a prom dress and an open house..... everyday ordinary things that all of a sudden become exactly what I desire in life. To take a bull of a situation by the freakin' horns, to think outside of the box and to do things radically. I don't know how this particular story will pan out, but it's got the promise of something truly amazing.

Climbing a mountain would be cool. But in the end, that's all about me. Helping others to climb a mountain of a life is even cooler.... and it seems to me to be true bravery.

The Answer (10-10-08)

2009-05-10T10:30:00.001-07:00

Friday, October 10, 2008

The answer

So the answer has always been and continues to be there....

I've said I want to live a life that includes loving radically. And I didn't just say it, I meant it. I've had to do some searching to determine what that meant and now I've decided. It doesn't just mean loving those that provide me with something, those that fulfill me in one way or another. To love is to give of yourself, it is truly essentially selfless. I waver, but my goal is to never have my focus on myself.

I was reminded of how my calling is to love my enemies, love those that I really don't like. And when I heard it I thought, "I think I do... I can smile and go through the motions". But the calling is to actually love. To give of yourself, even to these people. To be safe, of course. To not be humiliated. But to stand firm in LOVE, not in resentment.

And ooooo, it's not easy. I'm sure we've all been there in some way or another. Faced with people we could either choose to love or not. We could choose to resent, or be jealous of, or simply dislike.

But I'm here right now to declare that I'm not going there. No way. I'm sure of it. It's ALL a choice. Shoot..... I was taking a bath in lukewarm water, freezing to death and I decided to mentally choose to not be cold. And I may be crazy but I think it worked. The mind is so much more than we give it credit for. We are only victims of what we allow.

I love God and want to love like he does. Like he actually does, not like how the church presents him. And he loves no matter what. He loves those that take advantage of him. He loves those that mess up, even continually. He loves without conditions. And through it all he is strong, he is confident and true to himself. He's asked me to love in this same way and so...... I will.

When A Child Dies (8-27-08)

2009-05-10T10:29:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

when a child dies...

I can't help it... I have to write about it.

Today I walked into a funeral home to show my care and concern for a friend who just lost her 4 year old daughter. I considered not going, of course. I know what it's like inside and it's no place I want to be. But then the faces flashed before my eyes of those that sucked it up to come when I needed them. I still remember them. And so I walked in.

Yes, of course it was horrible and conjured up so many emotions. Sympathy, sadness, a bit of anger, shock. Why was this little girl taken from such a wonderful family?

I remember when Andrew died, I took a moment to sit on the front step of the funeral home to get some air. Down the street I saw a family making their way to me. It was a family which included a teenage daughter who had been known for drug use... she had gotten pregnant and had a seriously disabled son just before I had Andrew. It was thought that she had partied while pregnant, you understand that the story was just not very good from beginning to end. And shoot, I'm ashamed of it but am honest enough to say that I sat there and thought, "Why did my son die while hers gets to live? Where is the justice in that?" Like, if I follow the rules and do what I'm supposed to, then surely good things follow. But I learned in a very in-my-face way that this isn't the case. I learned that .... well, I'll just leave it at that. Because the truth is that I learned enough to completely change my perspective on life and things and people and obviously there is no time for all of that.

Anyway, what I'm left thinking about today is how it's not fair that these children who die do not have a chance to be remembered as they should. The little girl I visited today drowned. I don't even want to say that because I don't want that to be her story. "Oh, that's the little girl who drowned" or "they had the daughter who drowned". Just like Andrew became exactly what I feared he would.... pretty much non-existent. He only lived 2 months, after all. He is now either the baby that died or no one remembers he ever lived. And this still makes me so incredibly sad even after all this time. These children don't have enough time to make a life big enough to outweigh the death.... and it's so very tragic for the parent.

So, if I may, my advice is this to anyone who may find they are in the company with a grieving parent. Don't forget the child. Don't ignore the name, don't ignore the memories. Don't be afraid to bring them up in conversation. Talk as though they are a part of the family when it's appropriate because they ARE. If my mother dies, she is still my mom. I still refer to her as my mom and so can you. Why should it be any less to treat children in the same way? We tread lightly there because it's so fragile and so unfair... but in doing so I think we lose the memories.

Yes... so many years later I just want to say that I have 6 children when someone asks. Every single time. I feared he would be forgotten and today I heard that my friend had said she fears the same thing. And this is what breaks my heart the very most.

Band-Aid (8-3-08)

2009-05-09T19:07:00.001-07:00

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Band-Aid
Current mood: contemplative

In the past I have had the opinion that life, humanity, peace and general understanding involved a simple equation.... just one that we, as a world of people, chose not to follow. If everyone were to live with the concern of others and of the world as a whole before themselves then we would all take care of each other and be taken care of as it becomes cyclical. This is a simplified version of my opinion but it gets the general point across.

I thought that we should house the homeless, feed the hungry, love the lonely, teach the naive. When one person has a need another comes along to fill it and so on and so forth. But I have to be honest and say that I'm not certain this is how I feel any longer.

I understood that other countries are not as plentiful and powerful as America, but I never understood the impact of the nuisances of generations upon generations in other cultures. When an entire nation has been running on survival mode, and failing to a degree, the people change. I wouldn't have said that in the past. Sure, there are basic needs of all humankind. But how can you find it effortless to look out for your neighbor when you're barely clinging to life yourself? This is a statement that I now realize I don't even realize. I can only imagine and even then I fall way short of ever understanding.

I am learning how no education is a social tragedy mega-fold. I used to think that people with no formal education would simply live a simple life. Honestly, I didn't give it THAT much thought. But now I see how being educated does one extremely important thing that is absolutely necessary for all of mankind: it opens ones eyes to the world. It does this in a variety of ways from literally teaching one about the world to teaching skills which lead to a trade which lead to a lifestyle, all of which include interacting with the world in some way. When I am completely without knowledge I might as well walk around with my hand in front of my face, because that's just about as far out as I can see. (Of course there would be exceptions, but they would be just that: the exception and not the rule)

I have a child in my home that is from an intensely poor country inflicted with disease and a 15+ year civil war. It has been so interesting in so many ways. His stories have both shocked me and broken my heart. Even though I worked hard at nixing expectations before he arrived, I found I had tons of expectations hiding in the shadows. I assumed he would process his life and what he has seen with the same rationale and reasoning that I have, which is ludicrous. He is only 7, after all. I'm not sure how he will process it as he grows but one very small moment yesterday sums up so many emotions of having Nicholas here. We had company over and were ready to eat with everyone talking at once. I looked for Nicholas and found him outside, alone, sitting quietly in a chair looking at the trees. This is not like him at all as he is very active all of the time. I asked him what he was doing and he quietly said, "I am just wondering if any of my family in Liberia is dying." And can I be honest to say that a moment like that leaves me speechless, almost breathless.... and thankful at the same time that I would constantly be reminded of such things.

I have been working on trying to find a way to provide support in the form of money or supplies for Rosetta, his mom. And it's one problem after another. If I send money or supplies directly to her then it will be stolen (which the adoption agency told me and Nicholas confirmed). She lives in a community house of some sort. If I were to send money to Pastor Joe who is my contact in Liberia, and the pastor of her church, he could pass them along. However, this puts him into the position of someone with supplies in a village of extremely poor people. Other American families have sent him things to pass along and now he finds that the people in his village are constantly asking him for things and help in a supply and demand ratio that he could never keep up with.

These social issues are not black and white, not even simple enough to call "grey". They are insanely complex. People don't value the same things, don't respect the same things, don't enjoy the same things, don't even have the same philosophy that all should live a free and healthy life. I was frustrated that every effort seems to only be a Band-Aid, but the disease itself seems to have no cure as it has festered and grown since time itself.

So it kind of stinks because I used to think it all had a simple answer and now I don't. But I do know it requires a patience of the Band-Aid method with a hope for a final cure. Pessimism of humankind, because of ignorance in how a certain people came to be (usually it boils down to survival in some way, I'm learning), will never get us anywhere. I guess I believe it's a day-at-a-time sort of thing, taking what comes our way and working it, not ignoring it. Acting on our conscience and mentoring those in our footsteps. It's something I'll contemplate my entire life, I'm sure.

Nicholas Update, 6 months later (7-24-08)

2009-05-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Nicholas update, 6 months later

We're not quite at 6 months. Aug. 14 will be the 6-mth marker, but I have time to write now.

I knew it would be like this. For a year and a half I couldn't imagine what it would be like to actually have him in my home. I doubted it would even happen. And now here we are rolling along like it's always been this way.

So I know this kid much better now. And that's a weird thing to say. It's a different relationship, still, than with the other kids... no matter how much you want that to not be true. It doesn't bother me as it deepens ever so slightly with each day. It doesn't seem to bother Nicholas, but I hope this remains true as he gets older.

How would I describe him now? Smiley. Extroverted. Adventurous. Brave. Bossy. A boy who likes to have fun. He tries his hand at sneaking when he thinks that what he wants may get him into trouble, but is rarely successful because of a very poor poker face. While still learning basic relationship skills, his "street smarts" are incredible. He is small but does NOT back down in a scuffle. He loves to dance and of course loves music. He sleeps in. He hoots and hollers during basketball games and Star Wars movies when light sabers are flying. He is one who is not afraid in the least to engage.

He is a natural leader which excites me when I think of his life and the fact that he will have the world at his fingertips one day. He wants to learn in school but becomes bored pretty fast. During those times I remember that he had no schooling other than what his mom taught him and he is used to learning through experience only. He is quick to ask "what?" or "which?" even when he knows the answer. He has had to learn that while I will help guide him, he needs to step up and be the "big" boy that he is. This has been something we've had to repeatedly work on and he is doing great. I think it has been rooted in other issues than him being lazy. He is sorting out his role and my role and the rest of the family. I've explained that my job is to love him forever, no matter what, and to help him grow into a man that can do anything. This he understands. (like I have any idea of how to do that..... but that's a different issue, hm?)

He likes to play, to move, to yell, to talk and to be affectionate. We're still working on personal space issues. I will walk through a room and he will literally run and tackle me and plant his lips on my cheek. You may think, "aw how nice that he is doing that" but it's just too much for this culture. He is very touchy feely and really didn't have much of a concept of appropriate touching. Clearly it is a cultural thing and so it's been a bit challenging. While I want to love on this kid to show him that my love is real, I also want to say to him "Yes... could you get off me now? Mmm hmm... I can't help you make your bed when you are climbing on me." I love you but stop kissing me so much? I'm trying... but I very well may be failing. I won't know for years.

He's healthy in more ways than I can count and he continues to make me laugh. He has the start of a great sense of humor which, of course, I have HUGE hopes for! Between his love of laughing and Madi's fabulous sarcasm and Ashley's quick wit and Jdrew and Natalie's ability to laugh at the tiniest thing I can only imagine my Christmas dinner 10, 15 years from now. We will all be sitting there and we will have choices of food and choices of conversation. There will be more than enough hard knocks to complain about.... things that have happened to each of us, things that have yet to happen. But we won't indulge it because none of us are wired to enjoy that sort of thing. We will begin to do what we grew up doing (me included, as I'm still growing up with this family). Poking fun. Playing games. Choosing laughter and smiles. Giving grace if someone loses focus. Mostly, realizing that this family, while just as dysfunctional as the next, is unique and truly special and always full of amazing potential. We are loving and accepting and open-minded and outside of the box of normal. Shoot.... maybe the table we'll be sitting at is in Liberia and our meal will be strange and there will be a whole lot of relatives that we had never known sitting with us. Or heck, maybe we'll all be at the state prison bringing a sense of "family" to one of us who has slipped for a minute. Honestly, while I do hope the best for each of my kids I realize that we all lose touch with ourselves here and there. But no matter where we are in those 10 or 15 years we will have love and laughter... which will bring light to our lives. And THIS is what I look forward to the most.

The Grid (7-17-08)

2009-05-09T19:05:00.002-07:00

Thursday, July 17, 2008

the grid

When we greet someone in our culture we tend to ask, "How are you?" and there is the typical empty answer of "Fine" which translates into nothing, really, other than "I'm being polite". It's just what most of us do and I guess there's nothing wrong with it.

But there is a culture which bases most all greetings on these two questions: Where are you coming from? and... Where are you going to? It is thought that this is essential information when speaking to someone. Knowing where they are at that particular moment in their life. When I think more about it I realize how intimate it really is.

The author that had explained this to me spoke of a grid of life that these people rely on. Everyone has their spot on it and in order to have a relationship with another (of any sort) it must be understood where each is placed on the grid. Hence, the questions of coming and going.

I don't know... I just like it for some reason. I don't need to know private details of the lives of others but I would love to know where they're coming from and going to. I would love the easy opportunity of furthering conversation from that point if time permitted. Maybe America has too much of a gossip complex to do it. I'm not sure.

It's interesting how we live in this grand, free nation which has so many things right about it... but when I dig into some of the truly odd characteristics of other cultures I realize that they they have more right than I thought. I have no idea where many of the people with whom I share my community are on the "grid" of life. I can look at this other culture with the strangest of rituals, ceremonies and traditions and see past the things that are odd, particularly when the motives behind it all are explained. I can see how effortless it is for them to know each other and live in community and I can only say, "Yesssss"!

Judgmental Junk (6-30-08)

2009-05-09T19:05:00.001-07:00

Monday, June 30, 2008

judgemental junk

I am addicted to any blog writing that is remotely deeper than "oh here's what I did today" subjects and have been reading one from a woman that has adopted Liberian children. I've been reading hers on and off for about a year now.

At first I subscribed because I wanted to learn all I could before Nicholas arrived. She told of different daily events and struggles that I thought I could tuck away in my mind, using her method of resolve should I happen to need it. This is a family of 13 children. Five of them are biological sons, the rest are adopted from Liberia and there are perhaps more to come. Many thoughts there but it doesn't matter....

Soon enough, however, her religious dialogue started to get in the way. The "daily manna" talk clouded my view of the real life. Of course, if that was her purpose all along then the problem lies within me. I soon started skimming and then altogether not reading most of her entries.

But tonight I thought I'd give it another try. They just grabbed 3 new children from Liberia so let's see how they are doing. She wrote about taking the kids to the park and in the middle of her entry she mentioned how they picked up a few of the neighbor kids along the way.... and right there she typed that these were kids that would sit in front of a screen all day while "mom tried to recover from the night before". It wasn't a fact, like she knew the mom had a really tough night. It was a comment made to their way of life. Then on to the park sotry.

And for some reason, perhaps because it was not necessary to the story whatsoever, I found it to be the most judgemental and rude sentence. It seems the epitome of what some people notice.... you can talk Jesus all you want, but once you start talking out both sides of your mouth (love on one side, judgement on the other) people stop listening. Unsubscribing and moving on!

(leaving this space blank) (6-28-08)

2009-05-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

Saturday, June 28, 2008

(leaving this space blank)

It's funny....

I've turned a certain corner in my life which has affected all aspects of it. But as I look around, particularly in the area of spirituality, I am noticing that many others are noticeably close to what I've been thinking about it all.

We are tired of religion, aren't we? It just got too much. Thanks for the effort, mankind, but we finally realize that it's not doing us any good. That which was designed to aid us in our journey to the heart of God ended up hindering many as they found it was too judgmental, cumbersome and empty.

Although on a side note I have to say that you get what you put into it. Just saying....

And on that side note, it's true. Perhaps the reason "religion" has failed so many is because they relied on it alone to bring them closer to God. When it has to originate with a true desire deep within the heart. I can do anything with average results when I just go through the motions. But when I put passion into it, well the difference in the outcome is clearly improved.

I recently read about a Balinese belief that is going to stick with me for life. And I have to admit that when I first was reading through it I thought it was odd at best. It's a strange thing, a weird story. Here it is:

We are each accompanied at birth by four invisible brothers, who come into the world with us and protect us throughout our lives. From the womb on to death they are with us. They do some ritualistic things (like making a shine of the place they bury the placenta and such.... ew) to bring it to life. But these "brothers" inhabit the four virtues a person needs in order to be safe and happy in life. They are:

Intelligence
Friendship
Strength
and seriously..... Poetry

They give names to these brothers and say that you don't have to talk in a formal way to them, as you do to God. They are there for us in an intimate way to call upon throughout life to "protect us".

There is something about the whole concept that I love. And it's a strange way of putting it, to be sure. But it's a method they use to remember these things that dwell inside of them throughout life. What a travesty to forget how intelligent we are.... how valuable friendships can be to our well-being.... to neglect the strength we haven't even tapped into... and finally, my favorite, to ignore the very poetry that dwells inside of us, turning life into beauty instead of boredom or despair.

As I watch people scurrying from one thing to the next in the quest for fulfillment I realize I have done the same thing at varying times in my life. Jumping from object to activity to person and so forth.... with hardly a moment of peace after all of the effort. Always seeking, never finding.

What I've realized is that what we truly need is already there inside us and has been waiting patiently all along. The brothers, if you will, along with already being loved unconditionally by God. It leaves me almost speechless, actually, as I think about it. I have everything I need, I can be content within myself. I can look at my mistakes as missed swings at the batting cage. They're not my goal, but I've learned from each. And if I miss a swing tomorrow I will glean what I can from that as well.

So in an attempt to bring this writing back to my original point I suppose I would say that yes, I've put religion behind me. It's not needed, but at the same time I can appreciate its efforts as it tries to assist me on my journey. However, leaving religion behind does not mean I will neglect the depth of my heart. The two are not related at all and I wish everyone would know this.

A Profound McDonald's Experience (6-23-08)

2009-05-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

Monday, June 23, 2008

A profound McDonalds experience

I'm not a huge McDonalds fan. But in moments of desperation I'm thankful it exists. Those fruit and yogurt parfaits are lifesavers and I give kudos to anyone attempting to make good coffee.

Today my experience was different. By all accounts, it sucked bad enough to go and complain to someone about it. But after my initial shock I gave it some thought and find it all very interesting and simply a demonstration of the struggles of life.

At the ordering phase of the drive-through I found myself in full combat. I'm not kidding. It was coming from all sides. Not only did I have my kids talking at the same time trying to tell me what they wanted, but the nice gal on the other end of the speaker would NOT stop rushing me. She said, "Is that all?" about 400 times. I kept saying, "No, I have more". Then she would ask me what kind of drink I wanted and I would hesitate literally 5 seconds and she would repeat loud and slow, "What.. kind.. of.. drink.. do.. you.. want?"

So my first reaction was to be a bit mad, obviously. Like, everyone shut up while I freaking tell you what I want to do with my money. :) I mean that in love, of course. I pulled around to pay for my order and realized that the lovely employee I had been speaking to was very new. She was training under someone and I could see how nervous she was when she took my money. At that moment I doled out some grace. Poor thing. It's a busy place and they've probably told her she needs to get those people through the line fast...

On to the next window.

When I pulled up to that window, a female employee came running out of the door in front of my car. She was running after Eugene, if you care to know. And if you don't mind, Eugene, she has some words for you. And holy crap.... the woman was spastic. Absolutely freaking out. Screaming at him at the top of her lungs, swearing the entire time. My kids were instantly out of their seats with faces glued to the windows. She was as mad as she could possibly get, at least it looked that way.

So, my first reaction was to be mad... again. Like, what the heck? And here comes everyone else that works in McDonalds running out to get her. I'm wondering if anyone is left in there making my food (esp. my coffee). The girl will not stop. Eugene drives away. She is still yelling. At one point I'm pretty sure she was yelling at the rain.

We're there a while as you might imagine. But then she walks in front of my car on her way back into the store. And I see the tears that have been running down her face. And then I thought differently of the whole thing.

Of course. Eugene had just been an aid in something we all experience at one time or another. A broken heart. And when the heart breaks it's difficult to harness those emotions inside.

I've heard different schools of thought on that recently. I used to think the ol' "get it out, honey... just let it go" was a good rule of thumb. Of course, I didn't have that girl's temper in mind. But you have to vent and move on. I still like this.

I just read another opinion on the subject, however, and I've been giving it a lot of thought. It was advice from a Yoga Guru back in India. She said to not break down at every intersection in life. To practice being strong. Because only in practice do we form habits and such. So if we are breaking down and falling apart often, it will become a part of who we are.

When I was younger I would have said that the Guru was wrong. You absolutely have to get it out right away or it will eat you up inside. But with age comes experience and I've learned that patience is even more valuable then we realize. I am a deep feeler to be sure. I've seen the pattern when I'm mad as hell. There is hurt underneath. And in my "venting", which has been to get the anger out, I've said hurtful words that can never be unsaid. I can apologize and do so continuously in my life, but there is still a bit of a scar depending on what I let loose from my mouth.

My mad McDonalds girl was hurting so badly. But she had no tact. Not an ounce of patience. She was truly living in the moment when her feelings would be a deception to her. And now she has to deal with not only Eugene but perhaps trouble at work and regret over some crazy behavior.

Some people are so good in the heat of the moment. They say and do the right things. I'm not one of them. I used to always say and do the very wrong things. Now I only sometimes say the wrong things. The other times I keep my mouth shut, literally biting the inside of my mouth shut if I need to. I find the things that will help me calm down and put a time limit on things (i.e. I will confront this person in 2 days, only to find out 2 days later that everything has changed and confrontation was not necessary in the first place). And when all else fails, I write. I yell and complain and be as irrational as I want to in my world of pen and paper.... a safe place to vent indeed.

It's interesting how you can take just about anything going on around you and use it to reflect and hopefully improve. Even impatient, nervous, rude, irate, broken-hearted McDonalds people. :)

The End (6-15-08)

2009-05-09T19:02:00.002-07:00

Sunday, June 15, 2008

the end

Do you read the last page of a book first? Watch the last scene of a movie to see if it's going to be any good in the end?

I have to admit that I never ever ever do that. I am not even tempted in the slightest because I love the adventure that awaits me and the surprise in how it all ends. Even when the end of a book or movie is less than desirable, I have never wished I would have previewed the end in order to judge the content.

And as I type this I am realizing how much I don't judge a book by it's ending. I make my opinion based on all of the pages and the journey it took me on. Interesting...

Today in church I was reminded to keep my eyes focused on the goal - that being the fact that this life is not all there is and that what awaits me is truly wonderful in a way I can only fall short of imagining.

There was a phrase that went something like this: "Don't let today's chapter of your life cloud your view of the final chapter". Something like that.... I get the point. And it's a good one. Keeping our eye on the goal. Pressing on with solid hope in a wonderful truth.

At some point I agree that we should not let our current life drag us down, regardless of the circumstances. But I feel like there is a tone (in the Christian church) which says, "Endure what you are going through - make no changes because that would be wrong - simply persevere and wait for God to make the changes for you". I don't know. Maybe it's just me. It probably is. But I feel like there is a line with all of this where the tone should change.

I bet I am thinking this way because of how I don't judge the story by the ending. Sure, the ending is important. The ending of my life is important because it is a wonderful hope. But I think I'm more - no, I'm positive on this actually - I'm more interested in the story, the journey, the legacy that I leave with each day of my life.

Therefore, can I really be satisfied by being simply a passenger in this ride of a life? Sure, I want God to lead without doubt. But somewhere in the balance I think He says, "I am here.... make your decision on where you will join me and let's get on with this".

After all, it is the only chance I get at a life on this earth. Shouldn't I be concerned with more than the final chapter? Is it really the right thing to do to simply go along for the ride? I like guiding my children to good things, but I love it when they make their own decisions on things and their wings begin to unfold on their own.

I don't know - I'm still figuring this one out.

Weeds (6-7-08)

2009-05-09T19:02:00.001-07:00

Saturday, June 07, 2008

weeds

I love my plants.

But I can hardly take credit for them. Most of them were here when I arrived. Still, it doesn't take a thing away from my desire of watching them...

Today I was cleaning things up in my yard and I noticed that my chives are spreading literally like a weed. It is not only all over the beds, but it is now growing in between the cracks of my walkways.

My first thought was that it was going to be a huge task to remove it all, and then what a bummer it would be all year to constantly pull it as it got out of hand.

But then I stepped back and took another look. And I realized that I really kind of like the chives growing in the cracks. There is something wild but beautiful represented there. I thought I had to make my yard look a certain way in order to be pretty. But yet again I realize that beauty is not a black and white issue. Even wild plants remind me....

Rosetta (5-29-08)

2009-05-09T19:01:00.003-07:00

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Rosetta

Nicholas talks. A LOT. I mean, I guess he has his quiet moments but they are pretty rare. And when he is excited it's non-stop noise of one kind or another.

So obviously this gets on peoples nerves sometimes. :)

The other night, after watching a Pistons game with continual noise (hollering even while dribbling down the court for pete's sake), I talked to Nicholas about it while tucking him into bed. I explained that it's too much sometimes and he needs to harness it. And he says to me:

(this is priceless)

"My mom in Liberia.... she told me, 'when you go to America you need to not talk so plenty'".

I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly so I asked, "your mom told you to not talk so much in America?" And Nicholas said "yes" and then repeated what she had said.

And oh my gosh did that make me laugh. Rosetta Zancy, off in some village outside of Monrovia, Liberia and I had just had a bonding moment. A big one. I could almost see her grinning at me over the whole thing.

You see, Nicholas told us a while back, when we were talking with him about personal space issues and tickling people, that his mom in Liberia (Rosetta) had told him to not tickle people in America. He said, "In Liberia I tickle, tickle, tickle... but in America I stop". (Stop being a subjective word, I guess, because he did it constantly!)

I love Rosetta. She knows Nicholas is a wonderful boy. A good person. A joyful spirit. But the woman knew the things that would drive us nuts well before we did and she said something about it. I'm sorry but it just makes me smile. :o)

It's Not Okay (5-23-08)

2009-05-09T19:01:00.001-07:00

Friday, May 23, 2008

It’s Not Okay.

It is not okay to assume you can treat someone a certain way because of the situation they or you are in. NOT OKAY.

What am I talking about? Well, let's see....

Not okay to treat someone like crap because they are dirty.
Not okay to treat someone like crap because they are different.
Not okay to treat someone like crap because they are ignorant.
Not okay to treat someone like crap because you feel arrogant.
Not okay to treat someone like crap because they are related to you and therefore, for all intensive purposes, STUCK.

This last one has me.... disgusted. Yes, that's the word. I can't really say angry and I can't really say sad. It's beyond that.

The child that treats their parents so horribly because they feel they can.
The parent that takes advantage of their power with the children.
The difficult distant family member that causes so much drama.
The spouse that simply takes advantage of their role.

BULLSHIT. That is the most ridiculous place to be as a human being. As a HUMAN BEING. I treat strangers and my distant friends really well.... should I not treat those closer to me even better? Every DAY should be a celebration of the people in my life. Not a celebration because of how perfect they are (because we all fall short) but a celebration of who they are in all ways. A celebration of my love for them, my hope to see them grow and achieve goals in their own life. A celebration of THEM.

A celebration. I love that word. God forbid the day I fail to remember it.

Waiting for the Incredible (5-18-08)

2009-05-09T19:00:00.002-07:00

Sunday, May 18, 2008

waiting for the incredible

I just got back from seeing the movie Prince Caspian with Madi. We had the best time together, just the two of us.

We sat in great seats with our pretzels and Icee's and settled in to watch. The movie was awesome. Great special effects, amazing battle scenes and wonderful characters.

I'll bet 1/2 the movie consists of battle of one sort or another. So you would think that would be on the forefront of my mind as I replay it. But it's not. There was one small scene in the beginning of the movie that just about took my breath away. Not that the scene itself was so incredible, but the message was amazing and I was convicted in a way that brought tears to my eyes.

What happened was this: The four children are in the train station with their luggage, waiting for their train to arrive. They are sitting on a bench, talking with one another. Suddenly a wind comes through. The children all stand up and without hesitation expect something magical. They just look at each other and say "hold hands!" and wait for the unimaginable.

That's it!

I was reminded of how I am failing at this in my life. The wind picks up in my own train station and I simply hold my things tighter, push the hair out of my eyes and consider all that needs to be done in the next 12 hours. I don't even consider the magical as a possibility. And this is ridiculous. At ANY moment God may step in and simply do the unimaginable. Things may happen (physical or emotional) that I never considered a possibility. The bottom line is: I should be living each moment waiting without a doubt for the incredible. Hmmmm.... this goal is moving to the top.

Sunday Reflection (5-11-08)

2009-05-09T19:00:00.001-07:00

Sunday, May 11, 2008

sunday reflection

It's been a busy couple of days for me. I've slept little, eaten most of my meals standing up, found myself literally running from one thing to the next. My life is usually pretty busy, but recently it has been a bit over the top.

However... last night I was able to fall into my bed early. I had intentions of zoning out to the television or a book, but I couldn't stay awake. Jason is out of town and this morning I found myself laying diagonal on my king sized bed with blankets and pillows everywhere. I had the window open and could hear the birds sing. Then... I heard my kids. They were trying to be quiet because they knew I was still in bed. But they were all in the same room talking and giggling and all out laughing with an occasional "shhh". I just laid there and thought, "Seriously? This is awesome".

I got up and was presented with numerous homemade Mother's Day gifts. Each one had been given special attention as it was made. For some reason, I was touched more than usual. They didn't make the cards and poems because they had to. They took time out to focus on their mom - a very meaningful thing to do - and I am the mom. I am the mom! Why does it still feel kind of strange to say that? :)

Today is also Jdrew's birthday. He is 8 years old now. I couldn't be more proud of him. He is everything I could wish for ... tough and tender and honest and real. He LOVES to laugh. This probably connects us the most.

Jason will be 35 in a couple of days. I've known him since I was 17. We had no idea what we were doing when we got married. We have been through so much. Juggling this life as it has had seasons of change. Having the kids, job changes, idea creations, losing Andrew and the intense grief that followed, packing up and moving from our hometown, bringing Nicholas home... and just basic personal growth. It is within my marriage that my own character has been developed the most. While that has been difficult at times, I realize that I am a better person because of it and I find gratitude in that. I know what Jason longs to be at the core and it is admirable. It is my goal to not judge him along the way. This is a little different than with others in my life, because if he loses focus then my life is directly affected in a huge way. But the same is true for him. He has weathered storms of his own. He is logical, analytical, efficient and creative. He is spread too thin in life right now and I've made a goal to help him find balance, as I've recently done in my own life.

Madi will be 10 in five days. She has been stepping up like no one's business. She is in a swimming class that, at the time of signup, was a bit too advanced for her. We had decided that if she couldn't handle that level then she would move down. But the girl is wonderful and she LOVES to swim. She is about 1/2 the size of the kids in the group yet she is the only one not needing the board to keep her up as she goes down the pool. She was nervous to start this session, now her confidence is soaring. Add in the schoolwork she masters without trying, the contests she enters and wins all on her own (sometimes I don't even know about it until after the fact), the countless hours she spends with her much younger nieces and Natalie. I'm not much of a shopper but Madi is. So when she has a bad day I can go up to her and say, "I think it's time for a new pair of shoes, don't you?" and off we run for shoes and a Coke. She makes each decision carefully and learns from her mistakes. She is incredible and my goal is to help her know it every second of every day.

I had Ashley when I was 21. She's been with me for pretty much all of my adult life. But now she is in a stage of life where my role shifts. I'm not doing many of the practical things for her any longer (besides driving, driving, driving). Now I get to do the things I really enjoy, although they are heart wrenching at times. It's the relational, emotional, basic life issues that she needs counsel and guidance with now. She makes most of her own decisions and I "try" to balance encouraging her with pushing her. When her decisions lead to tough consequences I am obviously sad. But it's a true pleasure to not only watch her life, but to be invited into it at certain times. I just want to have enough credibility with her so that when she is struggling, she can look over at me telling her "You can do this" and she will believe it to be true.

Nicholas and Natalie - they are great as I've said before. They both keep me on my toes and give me much love.

It's a lot of people. I try to provide balance when everyone has had enough of each other and needs some alone time. But it's also a lot of people for lifelong support and love. A whole pool of immediate family to lean on and lift up. I love being here.

Letter to the Editor (5-5-08)

2009-05-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

Monday, May 05, 2008

Letter to the Editor
Current mood: thankful

I wrote a letter about Nicholas' school and teachers and it was printed in Sunday's (5-4-08) edition of The Farmington Observer. Here it is for good measure:

Dear Editor,

I think it's absolutely necessary that the people of our community know about a wonderful niche in our public school system. That is, the Newcomer/Multicultural program. Particularly that of the 2/3 grade with Mrs. Misuk Drews and Mr. Donald Staulter heading up the effort.

I have 3 biological children in the public schools and they are doing great. I have no complaints and all is well. But on Valentine's Day this year I brought home a 7 year old boy from Liberia, Africa. Nicholas has been adopted into my family and he is an amazing boy to say the very least.

I was uncertain about enrolling him into school for obvious reasons. I didn't know him well, he was not up to speed with our educational system goals, his life had been uprooted in such a drastic way. However, I had learned of the Newcomer Program held at Beechview Elementary and I decided to look into it.

After obtaining him a spot in the limited program we went to meet the teachers and see the classroom before he was to attend. We walked into that room together and I don't know exactly how to explain it except to say this: I could hardly hear a word spoken to me because I wanted to be sure I would never forget that moment. The children in the room, the way the classroom was arranged and decorated, the number of adults coming up to meet Nicholas and shake his hand.... it was more than I ever expected. It was warm, so very welcoming and so kind.

Now we are in full swing with school. And my compliments of Mrs. Drews and Mr. Staulter are "plenty" (as Nicholas would say). They are incredible. I have never seen such caring adults overseeing such a huge room of children. They have went out of their way to make us feel comfortable, even going so far as to provide winter boots (when the stores were sold out), some play clothes and for goodness sakes.... a bicycle. Proof that they have the kids on their minds even when out of the classroom.

These people need our applause and appreciation. The words I am writing cannot truly convey how thankful I am that our paths have crossed. They are dear to me, to my family, and always will be. They have helped to make a huge transition in our lives a bit lighter. When you boil it down, these teachers are the epitome of what we as parents wish for our children as we send them off to school each day.

Mrs. Drews, Mr. Staulter, and the adult para-professionals that are more helpful than they realize......... THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. May your kindness and passion be fully known and passed on!

Most sincerely,
Michele McGovern

F*** (5-4-08)

2009-05-09T18:58:00.002-07:00

Sunday, May 04, 2008

f***

Right off the bat, let me provide fair warning that the following language will be rated R. Feel free to click off right now, especially if your name is Ashley. (jk - she never reads these.... although this will probably be the one she does)

People do strange things when they're mad to let off steam. Some retreat into silence, some yell and scream, some become violent. I swear. It just makes me feel better and I can't deny it. But obviously it's not very high on the attractive scale. In addition, as a regular church going attendee it's frowned upon.

Recently I had gotten into an argument and, it's a long story, but in a nutshell I used the word "F***" in the most exquisite way. Yes, I just said exquisite. It was fabulous. Someone was accusing me of not being sincere. I reminded them I had been saying f*** all along - and when I say f*** I am MOST sincere. The timing was wonderful and it still makes me laugh.

So anyway, I told one of my best friends this story. Amy is a worship leader at a large church in Grand Rapids. She is a small group leader. She reads her Bible and prays every day. She is one of the most real and lovely people on the planet with a love for God that is infectious. I talk to this holy gal and she laughs. She tells me the story of how she was talking to another friend that very day who was letting off steam and threw the f*** bomb somewhere within. And Amy tells me of how she offered up a silent prayer to God, the Creator of the universe, for friends that will throw the f*** bomb, because she is so thankful of the authenticity of it all.

And can I just say that I love that? Not that we can go around talking like trash without being responsible for what we portray, but I love that I have a few best friends that are well aware of reality. God-fearing women who don't hide behind a mask. From calling the horrible nosy neighbor a bitch to moving on and realizing they need to forgive and maybe even pray that their heart changes toward the woman... this is reality.

We get angry. We become sad. Our hearts break and our lives fray at the edges sometimes. While in the end I wish to rely on God because I know that is the best possible answer, the reality is that at times I will first have to vent or wander a bit. I think we all do, depending on where we are in life at that moment. I don't like people to struggle, but even more so I hate to see a plastic smile with hands raised high covering the most broken or bitter heart.

Please don't get me wrong. My ultimate goal is to be the example of a lover of Jesus that would make Him most proud. But somewhere there has to be that authenticity. He knows we struggle. I feel like it's in the honest struggling that we ultimately encourage each other... realizing we are not alone when we face obstacles. There is nothing wrong with being real with your close friends, and with God Himself. My prayers have went something like, "I know I should pray and ask for help but to be honest I don't want to right now". My Starbucks time with friends has sung a tune to, "I am so pissed right now I can't even see straight". Whatever!

So maybe I say "shit" when I trip over toys for the 10th time then attend church a few hours later. Judge me. Label it hypocrisy. It's called real life and we're all in it together.

One of the basics... (5-1-08)

2009-05-09T18:58:00.001-07:00

Thursday, May 01, 2008

One of the basics...

I'm reminded of a basic principle in my faith in Jesus (don't want to say "Christian" and be labeled or pre-judged.... you understand). To put my faith in Him, in what He promised. To remember that while humanity is wonderful in so many ways, it is flawed for the moment. Why in the world would I put my hope - hope of core personal needs - in any person?

That's not to say that I don't hope certain things for people. I look forward to watching people succeed as I hope for the best for them and so on and so forth. But what I'm talking about here is the hope inside of me - for contentment, fulfillment, completion. The hope to truly feel valued and loved. When I look to someone for these things, at some point I am let down. And I know better than to do this. Simply put, people are not equipped to be up to par on THAT level for each other. I think God did that on purpose.... help us to learn and re-learn that there are some things only He can provide.

Stepping outside of the box of basic Christianity is something I find utterly exhilarating. But still, basics are basics and can't be denied. Some things only He can help me with. And honestly, what an effective system. I find that fulfillment and stop expecting it from others. That lessens tension in my relationships are we are free to continue to grow.

Damn - I'm sorry but tonight I'm thinking it's all very cool. So glad to know it.

Important: Perspective (4-28-08)

2009-05-09T18:57:00.002-07:00

Monday, April 28, 2008

Important: Perspective

What the heck..... I go about my day and parts of it just stink. I complain in my head a little. Consider myself such a success because I have a little extra patience here and there. I take note of the things that need addressing around the house and in my relationships and I feel a little sorry for myself.

THEN:

My 7 year old son comes up to me with his creamy chocolate skin, his perfect teeth and his wide, amazing eyes. He has his best manners on because he is about to ask me something big and it means a lot to him. I can tell in the tone of his voice.

And the boy asks me if we can send his mom in Liberia the money he has in his bank.

He has a few coins in there - less than $3, I'd say.

I was touched, of course. But just now I spent about an hour talking to him in his bed. We had the best bonding time. And he told me of how he misses her so much. We both teared up as we talked about her. He told me that when he turned 7 there was not enough money for a birthday party. He also told me that if we send her money, it has to be a secret because people will steal it. The bad people.

I am ashamed. I am in awe. I am living my dream by being an influential part of these young lives. It's not easy, but here I am in the exact place I hoped to be. I have these children I physically helped to create. And I have a child I easily brought into that same space in my heart - but this one would prove to teach me more than I could ever realize.

I am ashamed that for even a moment I would think my problems are problems. Normally I shake things off but once in a while I wallow. I have no excuse. Right under my nose is a boy who knows more about this world and its problems then I could wish to imagine.

I am more grateful than I could ever express here to have this experience in my life - to have someone constantly reminding me that my perspective is small. It's humbling to say the least.

This particular "mom" role is very busy, sometimes overwhelming. But at the end of the day it is exactly the role I wished for when I auditioned. Thank You God!

Saving Our Best For.... (4-27-08)

2009-05-09T18:57:00.001-07:00

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Saving our best for...

Isn't it true that some people reserve their ugly side for when they're home with family? The people we love the most tend to see us at our worst and there seems to be no rhyme or reason for it. But today I was glad to hear someone actually validate it. Besides, whether it's right or wrong it's happening every day and there has to be a reason.

The thought is that we are forced by society to be "on our game" all of the time. To keep the dark, moody, depressed, angry side that we all possess at some time or another hidden away. After all, that doesn't get the promotion, or the inclusion into the "in" crowd, or the girl, or whatever.

We suck it up and play the game all day long and finally, when we walk into our home we relax.... breathe. And somehow we conjure up that which we had pushed down all day. I don't think it's intentional but I see it happening all around me.

But seriously, who deserves our best effort? I mean the "BEST" effort. My boss? Who only cares about what I can DO FOR the company? My "friends" who may only be in it as long as I'm not too difficult to deal with. Or my family.... which in a perfect world loves me for who I am, not what I do. Loves me in spite of anything, loves me as completely as a circle.

The flip side here is that it's nice to be able to be real with someone - particularly those you love. I'm ALL ABOUT real-ness. In a huge way. But we have to be able to decipher being real with unloading.

After all, if we had to choose just one relationship to protect in our lives, which would it be? Protect... fight for.... nurture... celebrate... sometimes endure. Hmm, those are all verbs. Interesting. Proving that it takes work.

Isn't it true that there are many different ways to say the same thing? And bear with me because I think this is absolutely huge. I have the choice to be kind or not. Simple kindness. It's so much more important than we give it credit for. I could be mad as hell at someone but I know from experience that it does me no good to express it in an angry way.

In the end, aren't we on the same team with those we love? What is the goal? Shouldn't we be working together towards it? If the answer is yes we should continuously remind ourselves of this very fact. And remember that we should protect something so precious and fragile as love. To nurture it with sensitivity, understanding and kindness. Gosh... I just feel that this is just so much bigger than these words can portray.

Nicholas Update, 7 Weeks Later (4-3-08)

2009-05-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Nicholas update, 7 weeks later

I can’t believe it’s only been 7 weeks. Wow! It feels like he’s been here a lot longer than that.

I just can’t express how absolutely incredible this journey of adding Nicholas to our family continues to be. It is so.... NORMAL. Which is so WEIRD!! Does that make sense?

He is in school and loves it more each day. He is very behind on all studies and we are working hard to catch him up. When he comes home from school and we attempt to dig into his homework together he gives me every bit of a hard time that the other kids have done over the years. So all is good there. :)

He has re-named Natalie. She is now called "Boo Boos". I don’t know where it came from but all of a sudden one day he decided it was her name and now we are all using it. He never says "Natalie" anymore and I just love that he named her.

Nicholas has mastered the "looks can kill" category. When he is upset with me his face is incredible. When I didn’t know him so well it worried me a bit, but now I’m on to him and I give him the eyebrow back.

I am more thankful than I could ever express to say that Nicholas and I can get quite upset with each other and still go back to loving each other just moments later. He can get just as intense as I when he’s upset. It’s almost a bonding thing, I’d say. And sure, he drives me nuts. He is a 7 year old boy. But we stop periodically throughout the day to hug each other and say we love each other.

I’d say all of the kids make each other mad at some point... Too noisy, not sharing, not agreeing on things and so on and so forth. It seems pretty typical from my perspective. While I don’t enjoy that part, I still continue to love being in the center of a large family. I can’t wait to see my kids sitting around the table years from now, telling stories about how they argued as kids. Or the things they got away with that I have no clue about. :)

He misses Rosetta, his mom. Besides her he tells me there is nothing else he misses from Liberia. He has no quiet or sad moments. We talk about Liberia and Rosetta whenever he mentions them. It’s amazing how he has adapted into a new family, a new culture.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to be him. But I know what it’s like to be me. Incredibly blessed.

Steal A Pencil For Me (3-30-08)

2009-05-09T18:55:00.004-07:00

Sunday, March 30, 2008

"steal a pencil for me"

This weekend has been really enjoyable for me. I’ve spent quality time with my family and with good friends. I’ve had amazing food. I’ve been experiencing things that put me in a reflective mood, to say the least.

I saw a movie at the Detroit Institute of Arts entitled "Steal A Pencil For Me". In an old-fashioned and fabulous theatre I sat on a royal blue plush chair late at night. The movie turned out to be a somewhat slow documentary, but the story was nothing short of amazing.

It took place during the Holocaust, in the concentration camps. It was the story of a married man who was in a camp with his wife and also with Ina, the absolute love of his life. What an odd position to be in.

He and Ina wrote letters to each other during that time, and they had a "messenger" to deliver them to one another. He was incredible with words. He expressed his love for her like I’ve never heard. Not only were the words amazing, but at times he wrote with literally the broken tip of a dull pencil. He asked Ina, because she worked in the office of the camp, "Steal a pencil for me if you can, my love" so that his heart could continue to be poured out onto paper for her.

The story went on, the characters being separated and reunited a few miraculous times. In the end, all three of them survived the war. His wife, however, remained bitter and they quickly divorced.

He and Ina reunited one last time. They married and have been so for over 60 years. It was, well frankly, an honor to know their story. They are in their 90’s, their faces and posture so aged. But I wish you could have seen their eyes when they looked at or talked about each other. It was....... electric.

These two people not only have the privledge of incredible love, but they endured so much together which put them immediately on the same team (that of survival, to say the least). He is head over heels for her even now. And she absolutely adores being cherished in such a way. It is a story I’ll never forget.

Steal a pencil for me, because I insist on being alive and loving wholeheartedly in any circumstance.

Beloved (3-23-08)

2009-05-09T18:55:00.003-07:00

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Beloved

It’s Easter morning and I’m wondering why, when I have a strong belief in God, I’m not feeling more .... um, spiritual. This is a huge day in the celebrations of what Jesus has done for me. Shouldn’t I feel different somehow?

But of course. I’ve taken the meaning right out of the season by being swamped with duties. Not sleeping. Rushing everyone here and there as we see family and make it to church. Packing bags and unpacking bags. Shopping and getting the baskets around. I stayed awake until the wee hours of the morning putting Easter baskets together for my kids and it just felt, well, ridiculous. Maybe it was just because I was exhausted.

This morning we woke up and there was no special reverence in the air, other than an almost visible electricity as the kids increase their sugar intake by hundreds of percent.

I decided to take a few minutes to study and reflect. I remembered how Easter, as a holiday, is deeply rooted in pagan tradition. It gets fairly gory, if I’m not mistaken. The idea within the church was to combine practices a bit - unite the people. Very good intentions at the surface level. It reminds me a little of the basic principle of universalism now. The idea that "all routes direct to God". All religions and methods produce the same effect. It’s a nice thought and it makes me feel cozy inside for all of humanity. But is it, could it be the truth in the end?

How do I know that Jesus really existed? If he did, was he who he claimed to be? Why do I have to settle for answers within the church such as, "We won’t know that until we get to Heaven" or "You can’t understand that because it’s from God’s perspective". As in, we don’t have the answer so we fluff that one off.

On one hand I like the fact that there are a few unanswered questions for me. If I could see all of the boundaries of God I would become bored, for sure. I like some mystery. I think most people do. BUT:

I don’t want mystery when it comes to simply deciding if something is true or not. "Do you believe in God" is such a weird question. God should be as real as the wind blowing on my face. I can’t see it with my eyes, but I can feel it and I can see its effects plain as day.

Here’s the truth, though. The real question isn’t "Do you believe" but "Do you accept his role in your life". Because a few particular people and their life accounts really change the perspective for me....

Briefly, when Jesus was killed his best friends went running out of fear. I get it, for sure. At that point in the story, it looked as though Jesus was just another man, not what he had claimed to be. The drama of the torture would overshadow the amazing things they saw him do in his life. While I think it would have been nice for his friends to stay by his side, I do understand the fear.

They were hiding, not wanting to be found and killed for being associated with Jesus. And something happened that completely changed these men. In a huge way. In a way that ancient documents could never explain with the right amount of eloquence.

These frightened, hiding men all saw Jesus come back 3 days after being killed. They saw the same thing. Even if I doubt that they saw Jesus, I can’t deny that they came out of hiding and threw themselves out into the world telling everyone what they had seen; telling everyone that Jesus was indeed who he said he was. All of a sudden, the threat of death had no impact on them. Why? SOMETHING happened.

They continued to tell their stories under any circumstances. Imprisonment, torture and eventually death. Some were beheaded. Others were crucified on a cross upside down.

I can’t deny these facts. They are like the effects of the wind to me. Cowardly men turned into lions simply because they wanted the world to know the truth, what is really going on from a larger perspective. Wow.

So today, I think of these things. The reverence creeps back in. And I’m reminded of how my perspective on life and the world is so.... small. I think of what Jesus did to tell me His story, my story, and I am in awe. I truly am what I only long to be: Beloved.

Being Bored (3-11-08)

2009-05-09T18:55:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

being bored

With only the fireplace as my light, I sat on the sofa this evening with a drink and a cozy blanket. The kids were in bed and all was silent. It was heavenly.

But I realized how I would not enjoy silent days as well. It's in the chaotic days that I find bliss in the quiet nights. And that's just how I prefer things.

Can I report on Nicholas and the kids for a moment? Because I'm pretty excited to say that today, when I picked Nicholas up from school, I was told that he was a favorite in the class. That everyone was looking out for him and everyone loved him. I just can't even express how that makes me feel. I was wondering how the days were going. And even if he was doing "ok", was he being judged fairly and treated with the proper amount of patience and such? This school, this classroom that he is in has exceeded my expectations and hopes by leaps and bounds. I just can't believe we have been so lucky. It is amazing and I am so grateful!

I know now that N. is not a morning person. Not at all! You can try talking to him but I'm pretty sure he's not coherent for a good 1/2 hour. After he officially wakes up, he's his normal happy self.

I have encountered something interesting recently and it deals with food. N. has refused to eat a couple of times recently. Either something was coming up that he did not want to do, or he wanted a kind of food that I did not have in the house. At first I was upset about this and wondered what to do. But then I was reminded of something. I was reminded of how people who refuse food often do so for control of SOME aspect of their life. And this poor 7 year old boy, who has been tossed this way and that all over the world, thrown into a brand new family and life.... well, he has control of absolutely nothing. And so I decided that if the boy didn't want to eat then I wouldn't press it for now. And what do you know - when I don't press it and he feels like he does have the control, he chooses the food in the end. What an interesting lesson for me.

All of the kids are really doing quite well - now that we're almost a month into this new family. Everyone is back into the daily routines of school and such. Ashley is in her Spring Musical at school. Madi and Jdrew are preparing for spelling bees. Natalie is coming into her own and we all like her a lot more. (oh ha ha - it was a joke!)

Nicholas does get into a bit of trouble here and there. He tests the boundaries. He wants to do just what you would expect a 7 year old boy to do. As I know him better I realize that his interests and desires are quite normal and we all relax. He was put into a timeout the other day and I could tell he's been there before. :) I take a privilege away here and there and he gets the point. It's uneventful and normal and very wonderful that he can still be certain I love him in the midst of it all.

Communication is getting better all the time. I still don't catch it all. He says the same thing but much louder and right in my face when I say I don't understand - just as we do to foreigners. I've caught myself using some of his lingo. He says "plenty" when anything is "too" anything. Too much, too loud, too tall, too hard. He says he loves me all of the time. He came in to see me tonight, kissed me on the cheek and said, "You're a nice, good woman" and then left. And you know, I think he means it!

He told me last night that he will buy a small house and use the rest of the money to buy homes for a whole list of people in Liberia. He tells me of Liberia... "no money" and "very poor". We are talking regularly about how he can do absolutely anything he wants to with his life and I am encouraging him to dream big, big, big... his focus is good and I hope so badly it doesn't get clouded up as he grows.

Sometimes I joke that I just want to be BORED once in a while. Please. I don't see it happening anytime soon - and to be honest, I dread the day.

The Party (3-10-08)

2009-05-09T18:54:00.001-07:00

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Party

I just wanted to say thank you to all that came over yesterday for Nicholas' party. It was so wonderful to see you walk through my doors. I was elated and will always remember the day.

I have to say that I was wondering if anyone would show up. Many had already met him and others knew they would soon enough. But a few times during the day I stopped for a moment (in my mind only, ha ha!) to think about how amazing it was that my entire house was filled with friends and family that I truly love. A spectacular moment for me.

So thank you very, very much. I am honored that you spent your day with us. :)

Easier Said Than Done (3-9-08)

2009-05-09T18:53:00.002-07:00

Sunday, March 09, 2008

easier said than done

It's easiest to be concerned with only yourself and your desires, surrounding yourself with people who fulfill just want you want of them.

It's easy to be surrounded by people who are easy to like; easy to love. A boss that is easy to please. Good children. A loving spouse. Loyal friends.

The hard work comes when our life intertwines with a difficult person. When we are called to be good to someone we feel doesn't deserve our efforts for one reason or another.

And depending on what role that person may play in our life, we work at it for a while. But people feel they can only take so much and eventually, they walk away - or run! - and decide that the difficult person is just not worth the effort. No matter the cost.

And sometimes, I think the cost is much larger than we realize.

I see both sides of the coin. Love and be a good friend to the extreme. Show by example how to behave in relationship. At the same time, you can only take an emotional beating for so long before you break. At some point, it's in the walking away that the other person is able to see the truth.

I wonder why some relationships are so easy and help to revive you while others just drain all the energy away? :)

One thing I know for sure - people change. Life is a constant bend and sway of dynamics with others. At any point in my life I can pretty much find people that make me want to cry and others that I feel so thankful to know. I think it's all about balance. Keeping those that revive your spirit close. Taking care of yourself and your heart (without bitterness) when no one is there to help with the job. Doing what you must to keep your spirit strong so those difficult people don't slam you to the ground. In the end, persevere.

Yes, I know. That is much easier said than done.

L.O.V.E. (3-2-08)

2009-05-09T18:53:00.001-07:00

Sunday, March 02, 2008

L.O.V.E.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

Love is not jealous. Not boastful. Not proud. Not rude.

Love does not demand its own way.

Love is not irritable. Love keeps no record of being wronged.

Love celebrates the truth.

Love never gives up. Love never loses faith.

Love is always hopeful.

Love endures through all circumstances.

I didn't write these words, but they mean so much to me. How have people known what true love is for so long, but have failed to follow through with it for an equal length of time? How can people say they love, but act as though they don't? What makes that so easy?

School for Nicholas (2-29-08)

2009-05-09T18:52:00.002-07:00

Friday, February 29, 2008

school for nicholas

Either my expectations are uncommonly low, I'm a crazy optimist or I'm the most simple and naive person alive.... I keep finding myself in situations where my socks are blown off in unexpected and wonderful ways when it comes to Nicholas.

I took Nicholas to see his school today and to meet his teacher. He is going to a multi-cultural and bi-lingual program for the remainder of this year, perhaps next as well. When we walked into his classroom, I have to say that I just stood there and could hardly enjoy the moment because I was so concerned with forgetting it. Have you ever done that? It was so very cool that I just wanted to remember it forever.

It is a large classroom with 36 kids. Yep. But there is one main teacher and about 5 others that work in there as well. And each adult came right over, got on their knees and gave Nicholas the warmest welcome I could have imagined. Then, while I was speaking with his teacher, I looked behind me where the kids in the class were already huddled around the map to find Liberia. The entire room was chock full of things from other countries. The kids said "hello" to Nicholas in at least 20 different languages. His teacher showed him around by taking his hand and speaking slowly and softly.

I have to admit that I was nervous about school for him. He is small. He is not well understood. He is behind. And you know how kids can be to each other. He really wanted to go so I had to find my options. And I'm so glad I did - this is amazing for him. An experience that I could never come close to providing here.

So yay - he starts on Monday.

He is doing very well, by the way. I have encountered a few sad moments and a few upset moments. But they are all well within the range of what I consider normal. He is a good kid. He and Natalie have a "love-hate" relationship. They have spent a lot of time together this week and they go from playing together to yelling at each other at the drop of a hat. I've monitored it very closely and I'm happy with his response when she has just driven him absolutely crazy. I think he is learning that she does it to all of us.... so he's not alone. Ha ha!!

Nicholas and I have had a few moments where I've been upset with him and had to take him aside to talk. And he has handled it very well. He knows when he misbehaves. Some days he tries for more than others. We had a few "testing" days recently but they seem to be getting better. This is an entirely different life for him with different behavior deemed appropriate and different boundary lines drawn. He is learning and is doing a great job.

I'd say the only thing that is hard for him is learning that what's mine is not yours and so forth. He has a basic instinct to think that everything is everyone's. He's doing well, but I can tell that this is rooted deeply within him. He is also very touchy-feely. I love it because it means many hugs for me, but not everyone will. In time...

Communication is still improving. I think he and I are doing really well. I can understand quite a bit now. We are comfortable enough together that he will say something too fast, I can just look at him and say "what was that?" and sometimes he will roll his eyes with a smile. :)

I knew I would wish so badly I went to Liberia to get him. I want to know where he is coming from. He has told me stories, but I can't catch every word. He ate rice in Liberia. At some point there was no water. He speaks of his siblings often. He drank tea. I can't wait to learn more.

I want to go back in time and see his life when he was just a toddler... and I want to fast forward to see where he will be in 10 years. Ahhhh.... patience!

Why Does It Need to be Titled? (2-27-08)

2009-05-09T18:52:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

why... why does it need to be titled?

Being a parent is so weird.

I have well-behaved kids, but they are kids after all. They test. They want to see where the boundaries are. All very normal stuff. And I am not "into" boundaries. They make me claustrophobic. :) Hey, I just spelled that right! Anyway, right or wrong I've always been the one to explain why the rules are the way they are and I have negotiated on and on and on and on and on.... not to mention completely forgotten punishments (too many to count) until it was way too late.

Now, however, there are too many people to negotiate with. Too many to explain to when it comes to petty daily issues. And today, I felt a change. I was tested all day long and I rose to the challenge - yay! It's boring to hear about, but it's pretty cool for me on my journey as a mom.

I guess it's my immaturity that makes me feel like I'm still a kid, just one with bills and responsibilities and such. But slowly, I'm becoming one who can say "this is the way it is" and truly believe it. And when I truly believe that the rule is the rule, my kids respond. That being said, I am a FIRM BELIEVER in choosing my battles with everyone I have in my life. Isn't that a topic for another day.... one that I completely enjoy talking about, actually.

So yeah, it's like herding sheep all day long, but right now I've got one or another trying to stray out of the group. Good lord that's exhausting. But it's cool - I've got my eye on the goal and we'll be just fine. :)

Blooming Late (2-24-08)

2009-05-09T18:51:00.000-07:00

Sunday, February 24, 2008

blooming late

It's almost 4am and I'm wide awake. I know I'll pay for this tomorrow. I should be at least laying wide-eyed in bed, telling myself that I'm "resting" so it's all good. I'm half tempted to have coffee and sugar cookies and a party of one..... :)

I was surfing around on MySpace a bit (dangerous, I know), reading material and comments that were at first a bit shocking, then sad. So many people looking for SOMETHING, trying to find meaning and feeling like they are the center of it all. It makes me sad when I find someone who portrays them-self in this way. Perspective is key, and they seem to be lacking it.

I remembered when I was younger, how I felt that I was the center of it all as well. My teenage years were completely focused on myself. My perspective of this world and this life were horrible - I had blinders on. I felt I was doing fine, but I see just how much I was missing.

I spent my 20's having children which completely dominated my life. Enough said.

Now I am 33 and I feel like I'm finally figuring things out a bit. Instead of wandering around, searching for meaning or value, I have my feet grounded in who I am. Who I was created to be - what I was created to do. I guess I am blooming late. And wow, I am so thankful.

So while the media and our culture bombards me with "aging is horrible; fight it at any cost," I am left standing here thinking, "you know, I'm kind of enjoying it - looking forward to MORE aging, actually!" (gasp!)

Yeah. I don't really know what else to say. But I'm actually pretty thankful for the "wandering years". I see that they have saved the best for later... which I am just beginning to enjoy now. Finally I can step up and work hard for what I want to accomplish (because I know what it is) and at the same time, I can relax in just being me (because I know what that is, too). Yay!

The Details (2-21-08)

2009-05-09T18:50:00.002-07:00

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Details

It's been one week today and it has absolutely flown by. I can't believe last Thursday, around this time, we were bringing Nicholas into our home for the first time.

We've made tons of progress in these little seven days. In different ways....

We've got some pretty regular sibling stuff going on. But it is sprinkled with a touch of "we're not sure how much we'll let him get away with" so it's a bit more entertaining and/or exhausting. Nicholas is completely comfortable, I can tell. And I'm happy to report that he's no wimp. He will stick up for himself and fight for what he deems as his. While this requires some refining, I'm glad to see it.

Nicholas INSISTS that there is no "H" in his name. Nicolas. Hmm.... all the legal documents include the "h". However, I have to legally change his name to include "McGovern" and at that time I can decide how to spell it all. Now THIS is something I can admit I was not prepared for. Ha ha! I'll probably go with whatever he wants.

He loves bread and has eaten more than I've ever seen. When he likes something, he says "it's sweet". He loves chicken and roast beef. He wanted a bank for his coins and the Spider Man head was his choice. He wants to do pretty much everything I've shown him or talked about. School, swimming, Tae Kwon Do. He is taking it all in, doesn't seem overwhelmed anymore and still has that great attitude.

He will walk in to the room I am at and will just run to me and hug on me. How cool is that? He kisses me. Says he loves me. Doesn't something like that take time? I thought it would be months, maybe years before he would see me as that sort of person in his life. How lucky am I?

He has moments when he doesn't want to do what I've asked of him. He will attempt to ignore me. But when I follow up with him, there is no real defiant attitude. He will say "I don't want to do it!" which for some reason just makes me smile. So I say, "Well you have to" and I push him off and he does as asked. Not too shabby.

The week has been very good - exceeding all of my expectations by leaps and bounds. Still, I have been on my toes (and then some...) the entire time. I've slept on the floor of the boys' room and a bit in my bed, but awaken at the slightest noise. Needless to say, I am simply exhausted in the evening. Tonight, for example, I've deemed Margarita Night and I believe I've already decided to have two. :)

Even still.... the new family vibe is very cool and one that I am e-x-t-r-e-m-e-l-y proud of. m~

Moving Forward (2-18-08)

2009-05-09T18:50:00.001-07:00

Monday, February 18, 2008

moving forward

Doing great.... moving forward....

Kids have this timeless way of communicating through playing together. It's so fun to watch in this context, right in my own home. Seriously. And because they are playing together just fine, the communicating through talking is coming along. They are all just chattering away like crazy and slowly, they are understanding each other.

On that note, I'm getting better at understanding N. and he with me. In fact, we can even goof around just a bit with each other. While trying to figure out what he wanted to eat today we were going back and forth so much that he ended up yelling a bit at me - all with a smile and in good fun. He wanted bread and I was trying my hardest to put SOMETHING on it. But for goodness sake, the boy wanted plain bread and I finally just handed it over. He was like, "JUST BREAD" with a huge smile on his face.

He has requested tea, but someone gave him hot cocoa today and so now his favorite tea is "chocolate tea".

We take him outside and he is just totally freezing, yelling about how cold he is but all with a big smile. I have NEVER seen someone with such a positive attitude. How lucky for me for so many ways, but mostly as an example that I will never forget.

On that note, I have a miserable memory. It's just a fact and I accept it. And I downright hate it right now. I want these days to be recorded in my mind just as they are happening. I am trying with the cameras and such, a bit of journaling. But I just want this to be recorded in history forever - for me, for him, for his children and their children and their children and so on.

Tonight I had Nicholas alone in his room and I looked at him and asked if he was happy. He nodded yes. Then I held his shoulders, looked him in the eye and said, "Nicholas - are you HAPPY?" and smiling, he said, "Yes, I am happy to be here". Wow.

About 10 times per day or so I look around me and can't believe that Nicholas is actually HERE - sitting at the table eating dinner, running through my house with Nerf guns, hanging out at Starbucks with me. Like, are you serious? He's really right here? Not only is he here, but he is who he is which is even more amazing.

So I had this crazy idea of bringing someone from 1/2 way around the world to live in an already chaotic house. There were a million and one reasons given to me of why it was not in my best interest. But the idea just spoke to my soul for reasons I couldn't give. Setbacks, weird comments and stories with unhappy details hardly made a dent in my determination to make it happen. Thank GOD!!

Preparing for Reality (2-17-08)

2009-05-09T18:49:00.002-07:00

Sunday, February 17, 2008

preparing for reality

Many people made much effort to try and prepare me for this new family. And each time someone would say, "What are you doing to prepare yourself for this new son?" I would give a bit of a blank stare and pretty much answer with an, "I don't really know". I mean, I made sure we had a place to sleep, some clothes and some food. What else is there?

Well I tried to be realistic. I researched and read everything I could get my hands on. Heard the stories that lended themselves to tragedy, which completely overshadowed the happy endings, of course. But I was prepared to be prepared, I guess. These weird things could happen and those very unfortunate things could happen.... so I suppose I needed to know where I would turn for help.

And now, with each day, I keep waiting for some of the weird stuff. And waiting.....

Before Nicholas arrived Jason said something to me about how he's not looking forward to the first "bad moment" or something like that. I know what he meant. The moment when you look at each other and think, "What did we get ourselves into"? But I was very glad to remind him how we've done that with our 4 other children, as well. Heck yes I'll admit it. With each baby, usually during some screaming/crying spell, I have had that very thought. But it quickly passes when things calm down and on with life we go. Whatever!

Jdrew is the best brother. He and Nicholas are figuring each other out, totally enjoying it for now. Jdrew has always been a kind person, not a bully or a jerk. He's always been compassionate and such. And I'm so proud of how he's doing.

Madi -- so this sums it up for Madi. Yesterday, when we were alone, she turned to me and said, "I just love Nicholas so much. I mean, I just ... LOVE him"! And she is serious and this is the part of Madi that I cherish.

Ashley is such a good girl. She is being so helpful without being asked. She is just engaging and enjoying things when she could totally be hiding in her room.

Natalie is being Natalie, but she crawls right up to snuggle with Nicholas if they're downstairs watching tv. And what's very cool is that he's been gentle with her from day one.

N. is still doing great. I believe this boy is going to make me laugh as we understand each other more and more. He has a dance he does that is awesome. At one point he walked by Natalie, tickled her under her chin and said, "You have a small head" and walked away. Ha! He is VERY quiet when taken someplace new, but as he warms up I find that I can't wait to know more of him.

Even though things are going really well, I'm quite aware that many wouldn't want my life for anything. This house is rarely calm and I pretty much fall into bed at night. There is more laundry and dishes to do than I've ever seen. I was an only child growing up, living with just my mom. Talk about different! But I completely love it. No, that doesn't mean I love every dish I wash and every toy I trip over. I love the whole picture. I'm so GLAD I can see the big picture because it would be too easy to get swallowed in the details. Though I find it a bit difficult to plan for the future, I am looking forward to it. Just what will my family look like in 10, 15, 25 years? I'm totally excited to see my grandkids. :)

Of course everything isn't rosy and perfect in my life, but I've made a decision to focus on the things that are. And I've found that with time, those rosy and lovely things take precedence and I find contentment.

Gotta run - N. is ready for his Cheerios (he loves them!). And I think I need to stare at him for a little bit this morning before everyone else wakes up and he gets to running around. :)

The Day After (2-15-08)

2009-05-09T18:49:00.001-07:00

Friday, February 15, 2008

The day after :)

Even though things are new and we all are in discovery mode, it feels like it's always been this way. I can't describe it. The girls agree.

Today we made leaps and bounds in the communication department. At one point, Jdrew and Nicholas were in the back seat of the car, playing with toy cars. Jdrew said, "Where's the Jeep?" and Nicholas responded, "In my pocket". It was small, but it was huge. :)

We went to the doctor where he was given a great report. We will have some tests run, but all looks really well. He is small, but healthy.

I don't think I mentioned that he came off the plane with nothing other than the clothes on his back. He didn't have a bag of any sort. Not one single toy. Just him. Empty handed. Today we hooked him up and he looked quite dapper when all was said and done.

He is playing with every toy he can get his hands on. He's watched 5 minutes of about 10 different movies. He slept great last night. He's just plugging right in and sure, it's nice to watch but mostly I am simply impressed. This kid is awesome.

He wasn't calling me anything until this evening when he started to call me "Mommy" (which sounds a lot like Mummy but I'll take it). I was floored. At one point he was watching a movie downstairs with the kids and he came barreling up the stairs, ran over to me and yelled, "Mommy!" and then a bunch of stuff I couldn't understand. Then he motioned for me to follow him so we ran back down the stairs and he repeated what he had said and I still have no idea what it was but the moment was very cool. :) :) :) Lol.

I have a beautiful picture of his Liberia Mom that was given to us yesterday. Tonight I wanted to hang it on the wall but I decided to ask Nicholas, first. I held the picture up and asked him who it was. He said, "That's my mom". Then I commented on how beautiful she looked. I asked him if I could hang the picture on the wall and he smiled from ear to ear and eagerly said "Oh yes"! After all, this woman is dear to my heart and very much considered my own family. I hope to meet her one day. She looks lovely, like the mom any of us would want to have.

Finally, I have to comment on this... Many people have made comments about how wonderful it is that we've brought Nicholas home and how great the opportunity is for him. The comments give me credit for doing something. But the truth is this : Nicholas might be receiving some cool stuff, but it isn't him who has gotten the better end of the deal. I have. He gets practical stuff and loads of love. I, on the other hand, get an entirely new heart with room to love him with. I have new ears as I listen not only to his fabulous voice, but to his stories and experiences which are bound to change me. I am the one to get new hands to hold and love him, but also to teach him to change the world in his own ways throughout his life. I get a fresh pair of eyes, not only to see him for who he truly is, but to gain WORLDLY perspective.

If you ask me, Nicholas gets the raw end of the deal. He has changed my family, has completely changed me forever - and just how do you really express that?

What I Did for Valentine's Day This Year (2-14-08)

2009-05-09T18:48:00.002-07:00

Thursday, February 14, 2008

What I did for Valentine’s Day this year

For those that might be interested...

Nicholas (age 7) was to be escorted to the U.S. along with two other children that were going to another family (ages 1 and 3). I was not nervous about anything except the very real possibility that he could scream and fight and not want to go with us at all.

His flight landed and it took forever for him to get through customs. FINALLY, he and the other children and the escorts walked out. And the entire switch was done in about 5 minutes or less, right in the middle of the hallway of the airport. It was a bit surreal. But Nicholas came out smiling and kept that smile plastered on his face the entire time. The other children, however, did not do well at all and I am still worrying a bit about that family.

We had a few hours until our flight home so we hung out. We played catch. We read books. He was really quiet. Then we had ice cream and he told me a lot of stories, but unfortunately I didn't catch a word of it and I have no idea what they were about. He does speak English, but his accent is very heavy. When he says a word I understand, though, it sounds so very cool.

We flew home and even the drive was a lot to take in, I could tell. He likes cars and was happy to learn which one was "his". It was hard keeping him awake.

Finally we arrived home and he got the grand tour and such. I helped him bathe and realized just how small and thin he actually is. I've had to explain the bathtub, the drain, how to flush the toilet, how to turn the water on. I've had to show him how to use soap to wash his hands. He knows how to play catch but I had to introduce the colors green, blue and yellow to him. I was the lucky one to introduce him to french fries. I had to explain the ketchup and mustard, salt and pepper on the table. It's amazing and just what I want to be doing.

Tonight he is warm, fed and clean. He has on cozy new jammies and a new, clean bed to crawl into. I believe I'll be camping out in the boys' room for a spell... just to be sure things are going well. But let me say this: This boy, Nicholas, is more than I ever expected him to be. He has got to be the bravest person I've ever known. I hope he never forgets what he's gone through just to get here and how he has endured. He has a smile to melt your heart. When I hold his hand up to mine I am floored at how beautiful his are.

So he just came in here to check on me.

And I have to say, I am absolutely positively WAY more than fine.

He's Coming Feb. 14! (2-5-08)

2009-05-09T18:48:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

He’s Coming Feb. 14!

Nicholas will be here Feb. 14!! We will pick him up at O'Hare airport and fly home. Then this long wait will be nothing more than a memory. Wow.

I'll give him a couple of weeks or so to get acclimated and then we'll arrange a party for whoever wants to pop over and meet him.

You know I'll be posting updates and photos...

Yippee Yay!

Nicholas!!! (2-4-08)

2009-05-09T18:47:00.002-07:00

Monday, February 04, 2008

NICHOLAS !!!

I can't believe it but we FINALLY got his visa and passport. Flight arrangements are being made right now - I'll post as soon as I have a date! Yippee!

So Rude (1-31-08)

2009-05-09T18:47:00.001-07:00

Thursday, January 31, 2008

so rude

I think it's strange how people can be so rude to each other. And aren't there many different types of rudeness? There's the "I don't know you so I'm going to be rude" rude. The "I really only care about myself so I can be rude to you" rude. And the common "You are a part of my everyday life so it doesn't matter" rude. Wow.

Oh sure, I fly off the handle at times. I will blurt something out and usually immediately realize it was rude. I follow up quickly with an apology and I make a mental note to not repeat it, saving the mental beating of myself for later when I'm alone. Sometimes, though, I'm probably rude without meaning to. If the other person doesn't speak up then I never know it and perceptions become distorted. (not good - and one of my least favorite things in the world)

While I want to understand people and relationship so badly, in the end I haven't a clue. I can't always read people well. A strange vibe will leave me floundering.... "what did I do? what did I say?" when it could very well be nothing at all. In the past I've made a huge effort to always confront when it came to the health of a relationship. I would begin with, "Have I said something to upset you"? I've learned over the years, though, that one must be careful in instances like this. While I'd like to take whatever blame is necessary, apologize and move on, I've found that some people will take that invitation to blame and will rock and roll with it until, well, you're left gasping for air.

In times of uncertainty I just need to step outside to get my perspective back in check. Remember my intentions and motives, and my heart.

There is No Box (1-20-08)

2009-05-09T18:46:00.000-07:00

Sunday, January 20, 2008

there is no box

I'm changing the way I understand things and I love it. I l-o-v-e it. Things like... church. Ministry and "works". Love. People. My relationship to God. And more.

While it's true that God wants us to be connected to a local church, it's not for the reason so many think it is. We tend to think it's required of us to enter the building once a week in order for God to think highly of us. But not so. He wanted to be sure we had a place to connect to others, a place for support, a place to be loved... and a place where we could come together to love Him (knowing that those in the church would hold the same views).

If church were a perfect place, it would be a great setup. But it is man-led, after all, and each church has its imperfections and infections. These things, together with our mis-understanding of the purpose of "church" to begin with, disillusion us and we miss out on the benefits.

But I love what I'm realizing lately. That He doesn't want me to submerge myself in those 4 walls. He wants me out and about. Doing. Talking. Loving. I had thought that I was most effective when closely associated with my local church. But not so - at all. And somehow, this is a r-e-l-i-e-f.

We're called to take our gifts and talents out into the world as a service. And God wants us to keep Him in the forefront of our minds as we live lives that are .... well, NOT safe. Not predictable. Not planned. Wild. And I would even say somewhat reckless when we keep our eyes on the goal.

So we each have different things to offer the world and mine happens to be relationship. It's pretty simple. It's eye-contact and conversation. Time spent and a willingness to spend more. I am finding that no matter who I talk to, no matter where, no matter when.... I do truly care about them. I do truly see past whatever is in front of me. I didn't know this about myself. But I love it. And because I do care, I obviously want people to know the things that ensure a fulfilled life. But this doesn't mean I have to talk about it, to be honest. That's a whole other topic...

Now that I'm not as closely associated with a local church, I have to take my own initiative to offer what I have to the world. And I'm seeing just how healthy this is. I have no crutch to lean on (i.e. relying on the programs my church has to offer and letting that suffice). I'm not in that box. My opportunities are limitless.

What I realize is how I AM fulfilling God's purpose in this way. Loving His people is loving Him. Serving His people is serving Him. It's not "no fun" because I've tapped into what He put in me in the first place. God puts the desire in us and also gives us the talent. How cool is that?? He says, "I want you to do this for me in the world...." and then he sparks the desire so that we might be fulfilled while doing it. Yes. Re-read that if you skimmed because it's entirely true.

And people have all sorts of different desires that pool together to serve Him. I like relationship. Others hate it. I don't like money motivated business. But someone else may have the talent and desire to build a huge organization - one that is led with integrity and makes lots of money. This is still serving God. The employees are part of a healthy environment and the money can be used to get good things going in the world. There are as many opportunities to serve God as there are differences among us.

I am thankful for my local church for the many things it does that I cannot do alone. I am thankful for the setup by God to help ensure I had adequate support and love in this life. But I am ecstatic that I get to live this life in any way I desire and ultimately choose.

Defeated (1-10-08)

2009-05-09T18:45:00.001-07:00

Thursday, January 10, 2008

defeated

While it's a good thing to be adventurous, courageous, victorious and optimistic, everyone has their moments of total defeat. Right?

I suppose just about anything could bring it on. A breakup. A job loss. A dream shattered. For me it's much more vague, yet it feels quite specific. It's a cut to the core and I despise when it comes on.

How do you take a moment in life when you allow yourself to feel as a failure and turn it around? It's hard. I think some people never make the turnaround. They live each day without hope. But the truth is, we are not defined by a simple defeated moment.

Who we are is not at all defined by a job..... or a status..... or our circle of friends...... or how someone makes us feel.

Who we are is WHO we are. Regardless of circumstances. You may not need my services at your company. You may not want to be my lover. My injuries may have broken my Olympic dreams. But that does not change who I am.

I think the key is to, first, find yourself. Being created in the image of absolute true love, you have desires and intentions (however deeply buried) that are magnificent. I may not like everything about me. I wish my weaknesses were stronger and I wish I were more refined. But I love that I know just who I am.

Cool! I started writing this thing feeling like total crud, but I've reminded myself that I'm not defeated unless I allow myself to be. Which, I've changed my mind. I'm not! :)

Little Creatures (1-4-08)

2009-05-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

Friday, January 04, 2008

little creatures

Seriously, how did I ever earn the title of "mother" to these kids? THESE kids... the ones that are everything I could ever want in children of mine. I didn't earn it. I've hit upon some good fortune in my life and I'm not taking it for granted.

Ashley - my first baby. The one I've experimented on, as I knew and still know nothing about how to parent her. I just go with my instincts, try to be real and honest with her. It seems to be working. She is so lovely. Graceful. Beautiful. Classic. She keeps many things hidden, and when she reveals herself to me it is such a pleasure to be there.

Andrew - the son I only knew for a short time. He was beefy. :) All boy. Knew what he wanted and when he wanted it. I can't wait to see him again.

Madison - This girl is complex and I love it. She keeps you on your toes. She is literal and sarcastic and very funny. One minute she is into the latest fashion trends and the next she is playing baby dolls with Natalie. This girl can go from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds. The world is at her fingertips - I am just looking for the most effective way of showing this to her. I completely love this kid and look forward to what she is going to make happen.

J.drew - My boy that is a little bit of everything good. He's nice, he likes to laugh, he's goofy. He's good at all sports, he likes video games, he likes swords and lightsabers. He still likes to snuggle with me in my bed as we both read a good book. He's not a bully. He is persevering in his world - which consists of living with all females. It's got to be hard. :)

And Natalie - yeah... whatever... the kid gets absolutely everything she wants when the kids are home. She knows who to go to for what. But man is she fun.

And soon... Nicholas. I don't know what to say about him, but I am looking forward to finding out.

How did I wind up here? I had no idea I would be playing such a role in the lives of such spectacular people. Amazing. It's sometimes difficult, sometimes easy. It's fun and hard and chaotic and peaceful and funny and heartbreaking and so much more....

I think parents get distracted by the little things sometimes. The mess. The whining. The fighting with siblings. Things like that. They forget the big picture. I admit that I have moments when I do, as well. But not usually. These little human beings are simply fabulous creatures and I am completely in love......

OMG - Just GO For It! (12-28-07)

2009-05-02T08:21:00.001-07:00

Friday, December 28, 2007

omg - just GO for it

A long time ago, I was talking about decorating my living room with my friend. She is an expert in the field and I was looking for advice. I can never decide on anything, so I tend to not do anything (keeping my options open, ha ha) and all the while my rooms are bare.

She gave me one piece of advice. She said, "If it speaks to your soul, it's the right thing". And she meant a paint color, or a coffee table or a lamp. It was the only guidance she gave me and I was disappointed.

But over time, I learned that she was exactly right. I started it with those paint color decisions. This shade of green isn't "in" but my goodness do I love it. Yes, it speaks to my soul. And in the end, it was perfect.

Years later, I use the term in many aspects of my life. In making decisions. In financial matters. In personal matters. In life-goal matters. I realize that if my decision "speaks to my soul", in the end I will be content with it. And here's the kicker.... even if the decision doesn't work out for one reason or another and I've fallen flat on my face, I am still content because I am certain I went with my heart.

Things that speak to your soul may be risky or seemingly impossible. But I can't tell you how much I encourage that you go for it. The paint color. The career choice. The person. The ways in which you choose to serve humanity. Throw yourself out there. What is the worst that can happen? While you're lingering there, why not think about the very best outcome that could happen? Because one is just as likely as the other.

If it speaks to your soul..... GO for it.

I Can't Think of a Title (12-26-07)

2009-05-02T08:18:00.002-07:00

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

i can’t think of a title

I had the pleasure of conversation with my brother-in-law, David, again. Christmas day... we hid out under the dining room table. I'm not kidding. It was so fun. Hiding ensured no interruptions. :)

We talked about giving and serving. And he said the very things I had been feeling for while now. Actually, I think he said out loud some things that a LOT of us have known and have not wanted to face.

He showed me how the writing of a $30 check to feed a child for a month is not really getting involved. He talked about the short-term missions trips in churches across America. How a group of people will go off for a week... will come home and feel pretty darn good about themselves for a good 6 months or so. But what about the people that they left? And preparing food for the poor - is it really serving or isn't it?

What IS the true intention when someone stands up to give or serve? Well, that's not for us to judge, actually. But what SHOULD be the intention?

The check writing and the short term trips are not bad in and of themselves, of course. But they can't be "it". I had told Dave that I think we are all called to give to humanity, but each in different ways. Some are check writers. It takes money to make this world go round and I'm certain God has placed money in the hands of those He wants to disperse it from. Some are food preparers. They have time and the talent. They do it in true love, even though they are not investing on the "front lines". And then there are those on those "front lines". The ones in the faces of people that need them. Investing time and compassion and patience and who knows what else. All of these people are needed.

So I guess this whole topic boils down to intentions. When I write the check, am I giving to the point where it reaches my heart, reaches my faith that what I am doing is the right thing? (i.e. giving $10 when I could be giving hundreds, offering 1 hour of my time when I could be giving quite a bit more).

But you know, it boils down to more than that. Our American churches are teaching us that the way we give and serve is A-OK. "Sponsor a child" and "Come with us to Mexico for a week" are the common giving theme. There is no talk about RADICAL serving and giving, unless it's the "tithing" message that comes around once a year. And even then with that topic, I've found that there tends to be an underlying message that says "you will receive more money if you give more to the church". (uh oh, I just said that out loud)

Am I getting myself in trouble now? Digging my hole as I type? Perhaps... but I know I'm not too far off center. It's highly possible that we are truly on the wrong track. That our churches are unintentionally misleading us to believe that the little bit of giving we do is sufficient. Heck, churches may come back by saying "we just want people to give SOMEthing... it's hard enough to get anyone to give at all". Maybe so. But we shouldn't water down the message to fit the society. What a tragedy.

A final disclaimer: I am perfectly aware that any man-led organization will fall in one way or another at one time or another. As long as organized religion has been in effect, there have been high points and low points as corruption and then redemption have been brought to light. It's a fact of life. Perhaps it's time for this seemingly watered-down message of serving to come to an end.

Christmas (12-23-07)

2009-05-02T08:18:00.001-07:00

Sunday, December 23, 2007

christmas
Current mood: exhausted

So here comes Christmas and as I type this, I'm exhausted. I'm tired from the work I've been doing and all of the work left to do just to get through the next two days.

As I've been out and about, I've heard quite a lot of people commenting on how they just want Christmas to be over. I've definitely heard more negative comments about the season than positive ones.

Why?

And why, when "Jesus is the reason for the season" have I not really given it much of a thought at all this year? Gift giving, food preparing and house cleaning are higher on my priority list than baby Jesus and I know why. It's because I "have" to do those things, and time is of the essence. To meditate on and celebrate the birth of Jesus is just one more thing to add to my to-do list, which is already over-booked.

I don't like it.

And here is what it snowballs into... perhaps you can relate. Because my to-do list is longer than I can honestly accomplish, other things that should be of value to me this holiday season will suffer. Game night with the kids will be chucked - too much wrapping to do. Family dinner time will be chucked - too much shopping to do. And heck, even sitting by the fire with cocoa and chit-chat time will be chucked - too much cleaning yet to be done.

How do we take the season and bring it to a manageable level - one that allows us to really value everything it's supposed to be about?

Obviously we can cut down, scale back and trim until we've nixed some things off the list. But honestly, I am thinking that some years are just going to be better than others. Some years we'll be more organized, feel up to the challenge of the holidays. Others we won't. Life bends and sways, curves this way and that. Our response to the busy season will probably be affected by which life tide we're caught in at the time.

So no worries if you're not feeling up to the challenge this year. Get through. Try to stop and breathe if you can. Next year is a whole new opportunity.

Nicholas Update 12-20 (12-20-07)

2009-05-02T08:17:00.002-07:00

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Nicholas Update 12-20

Quick update...

On Dec. 18, there was an appt. at the U.S. Embassy in Monrovia, Liberia to obtain the visa to bring Nicholas into the states. It turns out, our paperwork was NOT there. Apparently this happens about 60% of the time.

This meant that we were again in a waiting period of unknown length until our visa application was approved and sent to Liberia. I wondered just how long it would take. It seems I've been waiting f-o-r-e-v-e-r.

Today I grabbed my mail and what-do-you-know, the approval has arrived and is in my very hands. Yay!! Now, we wait for it to arrive in Liberia and it is well on its way. There is an appt. there next Friday (12-28). The hope is that the paperwork is there by then, the process can be completed and the flight BOOKED. um... wow. :)

One more tidbit I learned for those that are interested. There is a man, Pastor Joe, that is our power of attorney there in Liberia. He is completing all of the paperwork on that end, going to appts on our behalf and such. I have just learned that Pastor Joe performed the marriage ceremony of Nicholas' parents, was there for Nicholas' birth and even dedicated him to the church as an infant. Interesting... I can't wait to meet them both as Joe will be escorting Nicholas to the U.S. Hopefully in January '08.

Skin-Deep (12-18-07)

2009-05-02T08:17:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

skin-deep

Have you ever looked at someone and made a negative comment, whether out loud or to yourself, about them based on their looks or behavior? I admit, I have. Plenty of times. Particularly in my younger days when I would be with a group of friends.

But boy do I regret it now. I know better. I know that beauty and depth of character are so much more than skin deep. It's even more than current behavior. Just because someone is having a bad moment, or a bad year, or hell, a bad life so far, does not mean that they aren't beautiful.

I was reminded today of a few things. Fun things. The way someone appears to me, the way they look at me, the way they talk to me.... is not necessarily a reflection of who they really are. Just because this person looks like a gang member, or this person has a very mean look on their face, or that person looks like they haven't a clue... I can take the liberty to assume nothing until I've invested the bit of time to get to know them

So, we don't always have the opportunity to "get to know" everyone around us. Starting now, I am determined to always smile and assume the best. I just am. I won't be successful 100% of the time. But what I am really looking forward to in my life are the times I do get the liberty of getting to know people I might otherwise not have known. To step outside of my comfort zone and dig in.... particularly to those that society might cast off. To look EVERYONE straight in the eye with a look that says, "I am perfectly aware of your value. Have hope." And then to consistently encourage... with a listening ear rather than a talkative mouth (yes, i can do that), with a compassionate heart, with empathy and of course, with a large amount of humor.

Those that lay dying in a hospice bed... alone. Those that sit in a prison cell day after day.... alone. Those that come to eat at the Salvation Army.... alone. Those that go through each day.... alone. I'm sure not all have lost their hope. But some certainly have. It's not as hard as it seems to look at them with a human eye - one that sees through to the heart. Don't just talk about it.

Power I Never Realized.... (12-16-07)

2009-05-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

Sunday, December 16, 2007

power I never realized...

I think I'm beginning to realize the power we hold as human beings. It's amazing, really. It takes effort to use it. And practice to harness it. And a large amount of willpower to control it, rather than let it control us.

It seems to me that my every move, my every word, my every expression has a direct effect on my surroundings. Here's a simple example... let's say the lawn needs to be mowed, the landscaping needs to be weeded and trimmed and the walkways need to be swept. I bring my kids out to help me and, as is easily predicted, they come out whining. If I put on a "let's have fun" attitude, smile and laugh, joke around and use an all-around pleasant demeanor, they warm up and soon enough they have joined my attitude and we are all having fun. If, on the other hand, I let their whining and the fact that I don't want to do yard work get to me, it's all down hill. My attitude stinks. I'm frustrated with them when they do something wrong, I'm frustrated with their complaints. It snowballs and we are all miserable.

This is what I'm talking about. The incredible power to actually change your surroundings, to completely change a conversation, to change the mood of a room, to change the very foundation of a relationship with time. I'm pretty awed by it today.

I have this strength or weakness (depending on who's evaluating it - ha) to adapt a bit to whom I'm with. I just realized I don't know the grammer rules of "who" and "whom". That bugs me! Anyway.... I think that's the reason I feel pretty comfortable around all kinds of people, aged 80 or 8 and all in between. But I can easily get sucked into a negative or pessimistic attitude. And it happens so fast, I don't even realize it until it's much too late and I've said or done things I regret later.

There is an element of using this "power" that requires a putting of the self on the back burner. At least it seems so for the moment. When I'm angry at someone and just have the desire to e-x-p-r-e-s-s it in large and spectacular ways, I have to put that desire away. It would feel so much better to lash out in the moment. But isn't it true that nothing good comes of lashing out? It's something I think we usually realize later on... when we either regret our behavior or are thankful we had some self control.

I am beginning to realize just how important it is that I slow down, breathe and remember the power I hold inside. Remember the goal I've placed on my life. To not get bogged down by daily insignificant situations. And ultimately, to consistently have a positive, healthy attitude that inspires good work. How cool that it just might rub off on someone... :)

Faceless Communication (12-11-07)

2009-05-02T08:15:00.002-07:00

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

faceless communication

Well, it's happening. Everything I've heard about has finally reached my door. The weird-ness of the internet. The things it lacks threatens to overpower the benefits it provides.

Take MySpace for example. What a great place to express yourself and to keep in touch with (and find) friends and such. And people are different so there are many different profiles. But what about when someone not only crosses the line of tasteful, but freakin' blasts past the line rolling right on into the land of vulgar in a way that everyone gets to share in? Or when someone is just plain offensive and it's in your face?

Tonight my daughter had a first online "incident" with an old "friend". In a nutshell, this friend hid behind her computer screen and said all sorts of profanities and language and insults to my kid. What a wimpy thing to do. If you've got important insults that need to be said, have the guts to do them to someone's face.

So I guess that is the problem. It's the "hiding". I can post anything I want here on my profile, in my blog, in my AIM communications.... and pretend to be whatever I want. Yikes.

There are tiny nuances and inflection in personal communication that any means of internet correspondance cannot pick up on. It's these things... the smile (or not), the twinkle of the eye, the lifting of the eyebrow, the mannerisms in general.... that make talking with people what it is. Real.

I wonder where relationships in general will be in 10 - 20 years. After this faceless communication has had a chance to tackle a generation or two. Hmmm.

I guess I'm coming to the realization that if I choose to sit here at this desk and type, rather than meeting with people face to face, I really have no backbone or depth. If you boil it down, I'm hiding.

I still think we can use the internet and the tools on it in very positive ways. To enhance our relationships. To share information people might not have known, to share parts of ourselves that others might be able to relate to. It's comforting knowing we are not alone in various aspects of life. And I personally love to communicate via email in a joking way... laughing out loud at hilarious responses from my friends.

It's all about balance, isn't it? I think I'm old enough to naturally enjoy a live person over a computer screen (chatting wasn't around when I was growing up).... but can I effectively encourage the same for my kids?

Living in Community (12-9-07)

2009-05-02T08:15:00.001-07:00

Sunday, December 09, 2007

living in community

I believe, quite wholeheartedly, that we are meant to live in community. I know not everyone will agree with this, as some believe we have no real purpose to life. But what does "living in community" mean?

I have a friend who recently commented on an issue such as this and I realized that in order for us to understand what living in community means, we need to broaden our perspective quite a bit.

Sometimes the initial reaction to the phrase brings images of everyone together, all of the time, always nearby. And to many this sounds horrible. We need our down time and our privacy... who wants to live in community with that weird couple down the street? Or that strange kid who never talks to anyone? Or that girl who never STOPS talking? :)

But I think it's a bigger concept than that. It's about trusting each other. It's about relying on each other and helping each other. It's about ultimate forgiveness, grace, mercy, compassion. It's about having fun and celebrating together. And sticking together through the tough times, not giving up on each other.

So it really has nothing to do with "technically" being around people, but it has everything to do with being there for people. We can't wait around until we are surrounded by people we like and understand. We have to engage where we are now in order to get some momentum going.

People are so different and there will never be a day when we can all understand each other. The "brain" needs to investigate and solve problems (science and such), the "socialite" needs to encourage people and create opportunities for gatherings, the "hermit" needs to paint for beauty and so on and so forth. The brain will never understand the socialite who will never understand the hermit. Even still, they are all absolutely necessary.

I am frustrated with my world. The reality is that I should not trust everyone I meet. But it's my natural reaction to do so. I want to "know people". I guess I have a general life quest to build relationships, to do my own study of what makes people tick. I absolutely love the differences in people and it's a desire of mine to get to know them deeper.

But if you start to add in weird things like hidden motives, bad intentions, basic cruelty and such relationships become strained at best. Community as I described is not obtainable.

I don't like the fact that I cannot take people at face value. I can NOT stand the fact that people may misinterpret me, my motives and such. And instead of being honest from the get-go, we simply walk away from each other.

Relationships are complex, to be sure. They are not black and white. They are ever changing. I guess I just long for ..... good intentions, no hidden agendas, trustworthiness and true friendship. Seems like community to me.

Nicholas Update 12-4 (12-4-07)

2009-05-02T08:14:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Nicholas Update 12-4

I am so excited....

I have spent the past year, literally the YEAR, spending hours and hours gathering paperwork, meeting with social workers, emailing all over the place trying to bring this child home to me. Nicholas.

Finally, I had done all there was to do. I sent the final paperwork in and wrote the final check. And I have been sitting here waiting since then. I have to tell you, I wondered if he would EVER arrive.

I received an email today telling me that my immigration paperwork has FINALLY arrived at the Embassy in Liberia. This is HUGE, WONDERFUL news! There is an appt. on December 18, and after that, if all goes well, the flight is booked. Nicholas will be escorted home by the foster family he is living with now.

I can't even describe how I'm feeling.... Going in blind, taking a chance, throwing my heart out there..... to me, THIS is living.

Getting Naked (12-2-07)

2009-05-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

Sunday, December 02, 2007

getting naked

I've been reading a book about the commonalities between sexuality and spiritually. It was recommended to me and it's been a good read. It's written by Rob Bell, the pastor of the church called "Mars Hill" over in Grand Rapids, MI. I hear story after story about the cool things they are doing over there, and how they receive some persecution from other churches and "christians" because they seem to be taking a "radical" route at times.

He talks about the complexities of the person, of each of us. We all have the body, the soul, the brain, the heart, the thoughts and feelings. Truly being naked with each other involves the giving of each of these. He says, "It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit and thoughts and fears and future and hopes and dreams... that is being naked."

But I see the problem with being "safe" with the other person. There needs to be no shame or embarrassment. No apologizing for who you are. No covering up or pretending. Total acceptance of each other. Isn't that what we want?

He says, "It's terrifying to let people see who we really are. To see the darkness in our hearts, our bad habits, all of the things we've done in the past that we regret. Our biases, our shortcomings, the things we aren't good at."

But what would it be like to be with someone who loves you exactly as you are?

"If you see me for who I really am, the me that no one else has ever seen, the me that I wouldn't dare to show anybody else on the planet... if I give you that kind of glimpse into the seat of my being, into my soul, will you still love me like you do now?"

Unconditional, absolute acceptance. From a lover, it's what we crave. It's what truly being naked with each other is.

I wonder... why is it so difficult? Why, when we were designed to live in community with each other, when we were given these hearts capable of loving and caring for each other, do we mess this up so badly?

There is something absolutely beautiful about an older couple who, when they steal a glance at each other across a room, have that unmistakable spark in their eyes. They are still crazy about each other. They've got those "laugh lines" that I love screaming around their eyes because they've spent a lifetime loving freely with no fear. They each threw themselves out there, and were caught completely by the other. They "got it".

And here is my favorite part of the book:
"To pursue being naked, you have to believe that this person is worth getting to know for the rest of your lives. Being naked is peeling back the layers, conversation after conversation, experience after experience, year after year. It's rooted in a belief that the soul has infinite depth and you'll never get to the bottom of it."

Ahhhhh.............

Money O'Money (11-26-07)

2009-05-02T08:12:00.002-07:00

Monday, November 26, 2007

money o money

Money is interesting. It's so darn interesting that I don't think too much about it, actually. Now that I think about it.

But Jason has been doing some recollecting and sharing with me the details of the past 15 years. Since we met. I was almost 18 years old back then. So, I'm pretty close to being an adult now and a lot has happened in the meantime. :)

But what is interesting to me is when I think about our wealth over the years. I remember literally counting every single penny. Putting cash in envelopes in my jewelry box for upcoming bills. Even borrowing money from my dad when we couldn't afford car repairs. We lived in apt. after apt. and to be honest, I kind of liked them all.

However, when we bought our first house, we were ecstatic. That house will always have huge sentimental value to me. But we had 2 children, we both worked full-time in order to afford a 900 sq. foot house and 2 rusted out old cars.

Since then, we've been all over the place financially depending on what the circumstances have been. I've worked full time, part time and no time. We have moved into larger homes with larger mortgages. We've both owned very nice cars and have taken a few excellent vacations, with no real regard to expense. We've had times where we were watching every dime and times where we didn't care if money was falling on the ground behind us as we walked. (that's an exaggeration, of course)

Looking back, I don't see money as the main factor of the happiness of my family. Not at all, actually. I have fond memories of my apartment days. Life was truly more simple. Perhaps because we couldn't afford complex. I'm not sure. We had to get creative to be entertained for free, and that was super fun.

But, I do understand the desire for money. For me, it starts with taking comfort in the fact that I can provide regardless of the circumstance. If my car breaks down, I'll simply call the tow truck, get it fixed... whatever it takes, I'll just write a check. There is true comfort in that feeling. Or when the damn woodpeckers are pecking away at my house (at 6am in the summer), it's comforting knowing I can call someone to help me fix it. Or, when the water line blows the gasket as it recently did on the side of my house, I want to be sure I can afford to replace it.

It's hard to keep it all in check. The more you spend, the more you think you need to spend. Isn't that the truth? And the more I look around me at what others are doing, the more I think I need to be doing the same thing. It takes effort to stop the madness and realize the truth of my situation. I don't "need" most of what I have.

Sure, there's something like a nice, expensive gift from someone that shows some love. Certainly. If I were to get a diamondy jewelry something, I would know it was expensive and was special. But that's not my style. That money could have been used so differently. And in ways that are still loving and thoughtful and special.

Ok, I'm going to share this crazy idea just in case it were to spark something within someone reading this. Sparking a desire to be generous to those in need. A great gift idea = a card with five $100 bills in it (or whatever... just using that as example). In it is written a note which tells me to keep one of the bills for myself and that we're going out together to pass the rest out to whomever I choose. It could be $50's or $20's or whatever. And my friend and I spend a night out and about deciding how we want to distribute the money. OMG - that sounds super fun. Other gift ideas that speak so much more than something bought are true feelings written down to remember forever (a personal favorite gift of mine), or something - anything - handmade. Way better than any diamond, if you ask me.

Final disclaimer: I am still a sucker for Pottery Barn rooms and fabulous huge farmhouses that cost a mint. I can look at a shoe rack and want every pair. I continually notice the items missing from my wardrobe that should be in there. But I know enough now.... that even if I had those things, they would not define the joy inside me.

My Christmas Tree (11-24-07)

2009-05-02T08:12:00.001-07:00

Saturday, November 24, 2007

My Christmas Tree...

I've always loved a well decorated Christmas tree. But it wasn't until 1997 that I realized just how important the decorations would become to me.

In the summer of 1997 I lost my son, Andrew, very unexpectedly. It rocked my world and threw me completely off my feet. I struggled just to breathe on a daily basis. When Christmas time rolled around that year, I just couldn't find the spirit within me.

I managed to get the tree out and put the lights on. But that was it. Not a single ornament or other decoration was unpacked. And it was just a reflection of how I was feeling. I was physically there, but my "oompf" was missing.

With time, my heart healed and I found myself. And when Christmas rolled around the next year, I vowed I would put every single ornament on our tree every year for the rest of my life - to represent my heart. I would not let my life swallow me up again.

So, here I am 10 years later. And I have to say, I totally love my Christmas tree. It has so many ornaments on it that it's about to tip over. I'm pretty sure it's a safety hazard. It's glittery and chaotic and kind of off-kilter when the kids put all the ornaments in their reach. But it's PERFECT.

It reminds me of 1997 and how I made it through, and it encourages me to keep the faith if I were to lose heart now. Come see it.... it's in my pictures in my 11-07 album. Or better yet, since it's so much better in person, come over for coffee and a gingerbread cookie. I'll see you soon!

Fish (11-23-07)

2009-05-02T08:11:00.002-07:00

Friday, November 23, 2007

fish

I had an interesting conversation with my brother yesterday. Well, Dave is my brother-in-law, but I've known him since he was 8 years old and I love him completely, so I consider him a brother alone.

It started when, at the dinner table, I brought up a statistic that Dave had told me earlier. It goes something like this.... about 9 billion dollars will be spent by Americans today alone (Black Friday) on Christmas shopping. That is enough money to feed the world for one year AND to provide fresh water wells in all tribes and nations. I'm pretty sure he had articulated that much better.

When I was done, one person made a comment about how it does no good at all to feed people in dire conditions. You're only prolonging the inevitable. Another person brought up all the money being spent in Iraq, which had the promise of a whole different conversation altogether.

I quickly changed the topic!

Later, Dave and I talked in the laundry room. Hiding out like kids, I think it was the most interesting conversation I've had this year... It had a couple of topics rolling around.

"If you give a man a fish, he eats for one day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for the rest of his life." Definite truth there. Jason and I have discussed it quite a bit. My opinion is that the man needs both. He needs to eat today, and he needs to learn how to fish for days to come. But teaching him the skill may take time... perhaps he's simply slow to learn, or perhaps the gear keeps breaking. Regardless, his daily needs now still need to be met. I think it's ridiculous for anyone to think that it's a waste of time to feed someone simply because they don't already know how to fish. Good Lord, that's acinine now that I really think about it.

Did Jesus walk up to Peter, hand him some skills and supplies and say "Hey Peter, take this and make a better life for yourself." Nope. If I remember correctly, Jesus continually asked people to give up what they did have and to come follow Him, taking care of people. Taking care of their daily physical and spiritual/emotional needs.

Why is it that we consider those with wealth to be so blessed by God? Seriously. America is considered "the" Christian nation, and we've been so darn blessed... don't you see all the money God has given to us? Hmmm..... something's amuck. As Americans, we are quite disconnected from each other as we live in our separate houses, drive our separate cars, put up our privacy fences and so on and so forth. Rare is a community of people that can truly depend on each other. Morally, it can't be denied that we have problems. But we have wealth, damn it, so we make it look as good as it possibly could. And somehow we think this is the blessing He wants to give us.

I think He has much more to give. I think it's possible that the equation God's Blessing = Money is quite wrong.

Boil it all down and remember the basic fact - Jesus is our example. He was not interested in money at all. He was most concerned with teaching people, educating people about their life. Encouraging them to keep their eye on the goal. AND... providing for their daily needs. Food. Health.

When he interacted with people in this way, what was their blessing? Hmm... peace. Hope. Encouragement to keep on keeping on. And then, regardless of the size of their homes or the quality of their clothes and such, they found fulfillment in their life.

Ok. So my conclusion is this. My role model teaches me to love people. To see them as individual beings with much worth. I am to care about their needs and to provide whenever I can. Give them the fish without judgement. Perhaps even giving more than I'm comfortable with. And then what will my blessing be? True peace. Endless hope. An ease to keeping my perspective in check. And countless other wonderful things that just don't have a price tag.

Txt vs. Mouth (11-21-07)

2009-05-02T08:11:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

txt vs. mouth

I totally love how we can immediately contact just about anyone in this day and age. From the phone to the email to the instant and txt messaging, it's pretty cool. There is really no excuse to not at least maintain relationships in 2007, if not build them into more.

But wow is there something missing when you are not speaking face-to-face. While I completely love a sarcastic joke popping up on my phone txt, which makes me laugh right out loud, I know that sometimes the things I say are misinterpreted. And I assume that I misinterpret others' remarks, as well. I think of the times when I am sitting with someone and say something, and I have to explain myself after they give me a blank look. That explaination time is missing in the information age.

It's important to mix it up and place a focus on getting together, at least for those that want to take their relationships deeper. Truly, you can't know someone accurately if you rely on technology alone. In some cases, that might be just fine. But think of what we miss out on otherwise.....

Shift of Focus (11-15-07)

2009-05-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

Thursday, November 15, 2007

shift of focus

I heard a comment recently that went like this: "The needs of others are more valuable than my own". Isn't that the truth.

It is liberating, actually, to get the focus off of myself. I go in waves with this. I'll roll for a while with a focus on others and humanity in general, and then slide into "michele-land" where I eventually become discouraged with what I perceive are real needs of my own (when, in fact, they are simply desires).

I am an idealist and a dreamer, which is such a bummer sometimes. Dreaming of an ideal world is fun for a minute, but when you get the pen and paper out to work a plan of how to make it happen.... it's impossible. I am constantly reminding myself to focus on my circle of influence, that I never know who may step into my path. I trust God to bring those that may need what I have to give close to me. Not sure what I'm giving, actually, but I'd do just about anything for just about anyone so in the end surely it's all good.

I've commented on it before.... what I receive when I am not focused on myself is amazing. The blessing of an unlikely friendship simply because I happened to serve in one way or another is so awesome. I absolutely LOVE it when I've unknowingly sized someone up a certain way, and they surprise me by breaking out of the mold I put them in. (Well, when they turn out to be good.... not the other way around)

I think it's crucial that we get out of our comfort zones and see the world with our own eyes. See what "true" need really is. I believe that most of us do not have a clue. What we see on television is only a snippet of the suffering in this world. Just like watching a football game on tv is not the same as being there.... there is so much more going on that you can't see. If I live long enough, I definitely have a plan of physically going to places of true need and offering whatever I have to give. I know it will change me forever.

I wonder how people can keep rolling along in their own selfish worlds... concerned with their clothes, their homes, their cars, their activities and not much more. I live in the suburbs, in a subdivision, and I am surrounded by it (or so it seems). People spending so much time and money on their grass. On their landscaping. On their image. On their perfectly fine houses that they rip apart and remodel, well, because it was a bit outdated. Right about now I feel the beginning of mild anger... so I'll move on.

I cannot express how much I hope that if nothing else, this desire to put the needs of others before mine seeps into my children. I realize it's a life-long process. But what a truly fulfilled life when you focus outward and see the world for what it really is... and contribute. whew!

2009-05-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

Monday, November 12, 2007

perception is reality

There have been a few instances in my life recently where the saying "Perception is Reality" could be applied. Someone perceived something a certain way, and even if they were wrong (because of not knowing all the facts and such), they are allowed to be "right" because "perception is reality".

This concept is disturbing to me, to say the least. I understand that one's ignorance can alter perception a great deal. And in that case, knowledge needs to be sought out. A long time ago, I was involved in an instance where I said certain comments to a friend. I made the comments lightheartedly, with really no intention other than to fill a lull and keep the conversation going. The comments were perceived in a way other than what I intended and the perception was that I was intentionally trying to be cruel. Finally, when things were brought to light and I attempted to explain myself, the "perception is reality" card was played.

Perception is NOT reality. Constant education, knowledge and information is necessary. If only those that had strong feelings about politics and social issues would agree before they speak such strong words against one thing or another. In relationships, I simply do not understand why we would be so unwilling to ALTER our perception if we learned it was incorrect. It does an injustice to the person so comfortable in their ignorance, and it is unjust to the person who was perceived incorrectly, trying to set things straight.

Perhaps we should instead say, "perception seems to be reality until I learn otherwise". And perhaps we should be humble enough to realize we might not know everything there is to know. We could generously give the benefit of the doubt to people and their motives. And in the instances where our perception is correct and it happens to be an uncomfortable one, we could forgive and move on. Just a thought.

(Comment:)

Wow. I can not believe miss perception is preaching the good word of objective reality. Although, I have learned over the years that being sensitive to other people's perception is important. Reality is simple, but perception is complex.

Diserning the perfunctory from the poigment is not always easy. Take the emotional expression of 'unbelievable'; something can be unbelievably good or bad, but our human reaction is transparent in its polar.

If I greet a black man with "wassup my N" (N word, and of course the slang version without the disturbing hard 'r' suffix) I am doing my best to adopt their culture, while providing a greeting that is familar to the gentleman. Now, lets say for the sake of argument, that he is offended. Hmmm, I meant the man no ill feelings whatsoever, and I am if not the last person to be racist, I'm the second to last. It has been a life's passion of mine to break down racial walls, but I digress.

Are you saying that the reality of my greeting if only perfunctory, was not an insult to the black man, simply because I didn't mean it to be, so 'get over it'?

Do you really mean perception is not reality, only reality is?

(Comment:)

Very interesting. It's funny, when we say, perception is reality, we really mean, it's "my" reality. Which is why you can say one thing, and they hear another. The thing is, it seems easy to say, "can't we all just have an open mind and see things for what they are?". But the reality is, we are taught, to some degree how to see things. For example, why is it that some people in other countries would hate me because I'm from America? They have been taught to "see" me that way. Perception is "our" reality, and it's also the reality (many times) that we have been taught to perceive. As adults, we should be able to drop those walls and "grow up", but that's easier said than done, it usually takes some terrible event to make us see it. The fact that you can, moves you ahead of most of us. Hat's off!!

(Comment:)

A few things...

Basic relationship skills should teach us that we are to be sensitive to one another. If you are straddling the line of offensive, all the while explaining yourself as "I didn't mean it that way", well, you should probably go back to Friendship 101.

It's definitely true that my perception is just that... mine. And sometimes mine is correct. But my point is for the times when it's not. I do not get to just stand in the mud puddle of my ignorance when the other party is trying to lay down their coat for me to step over. (Old fashioned chivalry)

At the same time, when someone is a repeat offender that offers lip service to the tune of "I didn't mean it like that", my perception would most likely be correct in thinking that they did, indeed, mean it like that.

Stereotyping and racism all stem from this sort of thing, this complete ignorance and disregard of people being individual beings. I believe that is why the main battle weapon used against racism is education. The songs, the rallys, the books and movies are all means of educating the public and helping them to see that when things are boiled down, we are all human.

I guess it's a fairly complicated subject when you add in the variables.

(Comment:)

Wow, Michele. Looks like you opened up a can of worms, girl!

Here's the thing... There is a filter for our words to go through before we say them. Problem being we are human and passionate, and so we sometimes say things without the filter being turned on. The filter being truly thinking before we speak. Now, if you were the one speaking in this instance, I'd say it depends on who you were speaking to. Here's an example....if I am speaking to an aquaintance or a gossiping neighbor I have my filter turned on high.

If it's a wife of a person that works with my husband, but I am friends with her, the filter is on medium. You know, being careful where my words end up, but not filtering EVERY word.

If it is a TRUE friend, a close friend, like you are to me, I admit my filter is practically absolete. I know that should I say something that comes across the wrong way, you will play the grace card and understand that I love you and would never intentionally hurt you. It all depends on the level of the relationship.

Same goes for our marriages. Sure we try to not say anything hurtful, but I find that in joking around, it usually happens. In this case, I hope that my husband knows me inside and out enough (how much time are we with our spouses??) to forgive without my asking and we move on. Again, that grace card comes into play.

I guess we can't expect people that don't know us to take our words the way we intend and people that DO know us should know how we mean them, and if not, they should be able to play the garce card out of love for us.

(Comment:)

Angie, it's "Obsolete" with an "o". If you're offended, please pull your grace card. Ha ha.

Great point about the filters and such. I am lacking in this area, but trying to improve.

You are right about the fact that our filter doesn't need to be turned on "high" when we're with a best friend or a spouse.... BUT, that does't give us an all access pass to say whatever we wish. People have hot points, certain buttons. Ones that make them angry, ones that cut deeply to the core. I think that a best friend and/or spouse should know enough to steer clear of these areas unless absolutely necessary. Healthy relationships (at least in my opinion) have a focus of encouraging each other, of helping each other to be the best they can be. When that is the focus, the offending comments and such are nil to none. Which is why you never offend me. The grace card I hold for you is still shiny and new - never been used! :)

Letting Go (11-10-07)

2009-05-02T08:03:00.002-07:00

Saturday, November 10, 2007

letting go

I have been fortunate enough to have a best friend whose kids are a stage or two beyond mine in years. Over time, I have watched her fully embrace each phase of the lives of her children rather than pine away about times past. She has helped me to do the same thing. And while I have enjoyed my children from when they were infants, I love watching them grow.

Today I took my 9 year old daughter into a huge building filled with people neither of us knew. She was packed and ready to go to a weekend retreat located about 3 hours from home. She had no friends to speak of there, and only barely knew her leader for the weekend. Hundreds of kids were going and the place was chaotic.

But here is what I love.... my wonderful kid said "yes" to the challenge of meeting new friends and taking care of herself over the next 3 days. And what I love even more is the fact that I have full confidence that she'll be just fine.

So that is the key for me. Confidence in the child. Perhaps it's not necessarily confidence that all the right decisions will be made or everything will even be done properly. It's confidence in their person. I know that my kids make mistakes, but what I will rely on in years to come is the confidence that they will learn from the mistakes they make and will continue to glean good ol' common sense from life experiences.

I am ready to see the wings of my kids as they grow. Of course I'm nervous. But I'm so excited. I know they want independence. That balance is hard to keep in check sometimes right now. I don't find my fulfillment as a mother in the dependency of my children. I am looking forward for them to finally earn independence, to spread their wings and test them out.... always certain I am close by and am crazy in love with them.

Touch (11-9-07)

2009-05-02T08:03:00.001-07:00

Friday, November 09, 2007

touch

I want to know... is it just me? When I feel that life, or a portion of it, is spinning out of control I just want to hide. And more specifically, I want to hide in the arms of "someone" really strong, whispering in my ear that all will be well.

I think I'm supposed to rely on God in times such as this. To trust that He will see me through, that He never promised it would be easy. I'm supposed to just hang onto my faith and be patient.

But can I be brutally honest for a moment? Sometimes I feel that I really NEED some physical touch that says "I'll take care of you". Am I the only one?

I do trust God. I do know that He is involved in my life and I do love Him. I realize I need to have patience as He works things around in my life, and eventually I will see something that reflects Him. It's all very cool and I am so grateful for His faithfulness to me. Which is why, I guess, I feel like such crap admitting that sometimes it just doesn't seem to be enough.

I hate feeling this way. And I know it will pass. But something deep down desires this touch, this reassurance. And I would like to offer that to my loved ones as well. To hold them and say with certainty that things will be allright. Ahhh.... the pain of life.

Planning (11-6-07)

2009-05-02T08:02:00.002-07:00

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

planning

My subject line is an oxymoron to my name. Planning is something that I admire, I really do. But it's just not in my blood. It has to be a hereditary thing, because no way could I have such a lack of talent in this area for any other reason.

It reared its ugly head back in high school, when I would know of an important test for weeks and would fail to study a single word. The night before, I would stay up all night long and "cram" like a pro. I maintained fairly good grades this way, but I'm sure I didn't retain a lick of it. If only I had planned my time well and studied a bit each night...

Then came my days of being a working professional. This was a planning wake up call for me. I learned that if I didn't plan and if I didn't figure out a way to remember everything I was doomed to fail. Unfortunately (and sometimes very fortunately) I am an "out of sight, out of mind" person. At work, a task would come to the surface, I would put it off (poor planning) and would forget about it. This didn't need to happen much to teach me that 1) I had to write absolutely everything down, and 2) I had to force myself to plan. Once I learned these things, life was pretty smooth.

Now I am home each day taking care of the schedules of four children, a dog, the finances, the home, the yard, extracurricular activities and countless other duties. I can easily stick my tasks and to-do lists in my head, where they quickly fade away to nowhere-land. I've had to get my fabulous Coach planner out (it's the only thing of Coach I own - I won it on a wisely made bet) and start writing everything down again. And what do you know... things are going smoother.

I am wired to "live in the moment". I just am. Those of us like this find life a wonderful journey. We can step outside the debt, the stress, the failures of the day and escape just by stumbling upon something wonderful. A sunrise. A mocha. A person. A star. It draws us in.

But on the flipside, I am jealous of the "planners" out there. They have very clean houses and cars. They have little debt and excellent credit. There is order to their lives and they are always following a plan. Their clothes always match. :) Ok, my clothes don't need to match, but I wouldn't mind everything else falling into place so perfectly.

Ah well.... that's what my Coach planner is for. I pick it up, smell it and love it, then start scribbling another day's events.....